Do you pride yourself on your high standards and achievements, always pushing yourself to be your best? Do your friends tease you about being too picky, or wonder why a great catch like you can’t find love? If your romantic relationships never live up to your expectations, you’re probably caught in the trap of perfectionism.

For most high-achieving singles it’s your perfectionism that’s blocking you from the long-lasting love you desire and deserve. Your reliability, attention to detail, and high standards serve you on your career path, however, the unrealistic expectations in your romantic relationships end their chances before they can begin.

High standards for a life partner are important, however the qualities that truly matter take time to reveal themselves. You don’t have to lower your standards or settle for less to find soul-satisfying love with an ideal mate.

When you accept that no one is perfect, you’ll discover a partner who fits your life in ways you never could’ve imagined through the narrow lens of perfectionism.

Here’s how perfectionism is standing between you and the love and dream life you desire, along with what to do instead to finally have both.

What Is Perfectionism (And Why Is It So Sneaky in Love?)

Perfectionism isn’t the same as having high standards because it comes from a fear that anything less than perfect is unacceptable. At its core, your perfectionism is an attempt to avoid the criticism, shame, or rejection that comes from making a mistake. Perfectionism often comes with a harsh inner critic, one who judges or berates you.

Some of the consequences of perfectionism are fear of vulnerability, all-or-nothing thinking, excessive self-criticism, and a fear of failure. To make matters worse, your self-judgment is projected onto other people, making it impossible for anyone to meet your unrealistic expectations.

In dating and relationships perfectionism shows up as micromanaging, strict standards, and a near-constant state of self-monitoring. You may spend hours analyzing texts, rehearsing conversations, or scanning dates for signs of incompatibility or danger. All of this creates an illusion of safety and control; however, it also makes it nearly impossible to create a connection because perfectionism hinders your ability to be vulnerable.

Perfectionism is sneaky because it often disguises itself as discernment or the pursuit of excellence. Discernment is rooted in clarity and compassion. Perfectionism is driven by fear of not being good enough. This leads to excessive planning and overthinking, keeping you stuck instead of moving forward.

Why You Might Be Using Perfectionism To Protect Yourself

If you grew up in an environment where love was conditional, based on performance, achievement, or people-pleasing, then perfectionism can become a strategy for earning love, approval, and acceptance.

Growing up with critical parents who had unrealistic expectations for your achievements can create the desire to be perfect. Or growing up with verbal or physical abuse, if you stepped out of line or made a mistake, can create the illusion that being perfect is the only way to stay safe. Having parents who were obsessed with appearances and presenting a perfect family to the world can create the same result.

Any of the above circumstances means you learned that mistakes led to shame or punishment. That showing emotion made you a burden, and that love had to be earned. Now, as an adult you still use the strategy of perfectionism as an attempt to feel accepted and loved.

As no human being is perfect, healthy love requires self-acceptance and a safe space to make mistakes. When we love someone we adore their uniqueness, imperfections and quirks.

Letting yourself be seen even when messy and insecure is what builds trust and intimacy between two intimate partners. Being vulnerable allows you to feel loved for who you really are, warts and all, without having to keep up the false veneer of perfection.

Signs You Might Be A Perfectionist In Love

1. You Set Unrealistic Expectations For A Partner

Your standards are sky-high, and they aren’t just about shared values or lifestyle. You expect someone to be smart, successful, emotionally fluent, physically attractive, spiritually grounded, witty, well-read, financially stable, stylish, free from emotional baggage, and ready for commitment on your timeline.

The list above may appear as a reflection of your worthiness, when in reality it’s a defense mechanism. When no one is good enough you don’t have to risk your heart, allowing you to keep up the facade. Perfectionism forces you to look for flaws in every prospect and never lets them get close enough to see yours.

You can’t hide your flaws forever, and the right partner won’t want you to. They’ll love you because of your humanness, not in spite of it. When you let go of perfectionism and embrace being human, you’ll finally open the door to finding your beloved life partner.

2. You Struggle To Be Vulnerable

Perfectionists are often terrified of being seen as needy, messy, or emotional. They work hard to appear put-together and in control. However, intimacy requires emotional connection which comes from authenticity. To connect emotionally you must share your feelings, and that requires you to risk showing up without a script.

If you can’t be emotionally authentic, you’ll always keep love at a distance. Protecting yourself from judgment and rejection may keep your heart safe, however without letting someone in you won’t ever have a great love relationship.

Romantic love requires you to share your disappointments as well as your joy, to ask for help or reassurance when you need it, and to reveal the wounds of your past to create emotional intimacy.

Vulnerability isn’t weakness, it’s a sign of emotional courage. This doesn’t mean you should share your deepest wounds on a first date. Start small and let someone know how you feel in the moment. Instead of always appearing capable, ask for help or allow yourself to say, “I don’t know.”

3. You Try To Control The Dating Process

Of course, you want dating to feel efficient, like a project you can research and optimize, but love doesn’t follow timelines or spreadsheets. You can’t plan every detail or get someone to fall in love on your timeline.

Trying to control the dating process is a recipe for dating burnout. Your impatience with the process doesn’t leave room to discover if someone is truly a good match for you. Instead of focusing on results and outcomes, allow yourself to be curious about yourself and your potential matches.

Use dating as a discovery process where each date becomes an opportunity to practice being present, sharing your feelings, and evaluating if the other person has the potential to meet your needs.

Leaving your love life to fate or magic is not a plan for finding long-lasting love, however, you must make space for magic in the process.

4. You Dismiss Good Matches Too Soon

Perfectionists often use tiny flaws as exit ramps. They cancel second dates over minor annoyances or convince themselves there’s no spark, mistaking first date nerves for a lack of chemistry. Many perfectionists chase partners with obvious red flags, unconsciously reinforcing the belief that love is always out of reach.

You desire connection, but your perfectionism has you feeling dissatisfied with all your prospects. Judgment is the biggest block to love, and because you fall short of pleasing yourself, no other person will be able to please you either.

Give yourself and your date some grace, and instead of instantly rejecting, pause and see if you can find positive qualities. Ask yourself if fear is the reason for your rejection or from discernment. Being open to discovering more about yourself as well as your date is a good enough reason to go on subsequent dates.

5. You Fear Making A Mistake In Love

Perfectionism in dating can show up as second-guessing, overanalyzing, and decision paralysis. Being terrified of wasting time or investing in the wrong person creates a freeze response, which keeps you disconnected and not present.

Fear can cause you to put off dating altogether, so you end up being married to your work. Putting off the discomfort of dating may keep you single indefinitely. At the end of your precious life you won’t be reflecting on your career or money in the bank, the people you love will be top of mind.

Love requires risk. As the saying goes, “’Tis better to have loved and lost than never to have loved at all.” Growth comes from experience, so allow space for mistakes on your journey.

6. You Try To Manage The Relationship

Perfectionism can lead to over-functioning by taking on too much responsibility for the success of a relationship. Smoothing over every bump, micromanaging activities together, not speaking up when you feel disappointed by your partner, and taking responsibility for their behavior.

Trying to prevent the relationship from failing causes you to ignore whether you’re a good match for the long term. You overlook red flags and don’t speak up for yourself. This is a recipe for settling for a partner who’s comfortable letting you do all the work while you twist into a pretzel trying to win their love.

Love isn’t granted by being good or perfect. As a human being you’re already worthy of love. You’re not a human doing, you don’t have to prove you’re lovable. Do less and allow space for your partner to step up in the relationship.

7. You Can’t Accept Love Unless You Feel Perfect

The hardest part of perfectionism is the belief that you aren’t lovable as you are. Trying to be perfect for the people you care about is exhausting and leaves you feeling lonely and miserable.

If you don’t like yourself, let alone love yourself, you’ll find it hard to believe that someone else will love you. You keep up appearances because deep down you believe if they see the real you, they’ll reject you. Even when someone expresses love for you, you struggle to believe it’s real. You test it, push it away, or secretly feel like a fraud.

You don’t get love from another person. It’s the love you have for yourself that’s reflected back to you in your beloved’s eyes. Learn to love all the parts of you: the good, the bad, and the ugly. Self-acceptance is the key that unlocks your ability to accept love from someone else.

What Real Love Looks Like (Hint: It’s Not Perfect)

If any of this sounds familiar, it doesn’t mean you’re doomed to either spend your life alone or be constantly dissatisfied with your relationships. You learned a strategy in your family of origin that is no longer serving you. In fact, it’s blocking you from the love and connection you desire.

Healthy, lasting love is built on emotional connection. It’s not about perfection, it’s about letting someone love you for who you really are, not presenting a false façade. This requires you to be willing to show up authentically, even when it’s uncomfortable, and risk rejection.

Real love doesn’t require you to hide your imperfections, rather it invites you to share your authentic self so you can be loved for your flaws, not despite them. The lyrics to the song, My Funny Valentine, sum up what real love looks like:

Is your figure less than Greek?
Is your mouth a little weak
When you open it to speak?
Are you smart?

But don’t change a hair for me
Not if you care for me
Stay little Valentine stay

Each day is Valentine’s Day.

How To Begin Releasing Perfectionism In Love

You can let go of your perfectionism and create the lasting love you desire by learning new strategies for selecting an ideal match for long-term love.

Start by giving yourself grace. Self-compassion is the antidote to the inner critic who lives inside you. What would it sound like if you spoke to yourself kindly and were able to forgive yourself for your mistakes?

Whether you start with yourself or with potential partners, set aside your unrealistic expectations and discover the hidden strengths of embracing flaws. Instead of judging, focus on compassion and empathy. Everyone is doing the best they can with the resources they have.

Slow down the dating process and use it to first learn about yourself. Question your quick judgments and be curious about yourself and your date. When you move slowly, you can evaluate if someone is actually a good match for you, even if they don’t fit your picture of perfect love.

Redefine success in your dating life. Instead of finding the perfect partner, rate your ability to show up authentically and stay present. No date will be a waste of time if you use it to practice your newfound skills.

Are You Willing To Be Loved Exactly As You Are?

The only kind of love that lasts is one where you’re showing up as your true self, even when you make mistakes or mess things up. A beloved relationship holds you steady when life throws you curveballs. A partner who sees you, warts and all, and chooses you anyway is someone you can count on to weather the storms of life together.

If you’re ready to retire your inner perfectionist and experience the kind of love that doesn’t require performance, join us for a complimentary Breakthrough Call. We’ll help you uncover your limiting beliefs that drive your perfectionism and give you the tools to create love on purpose.

Because the most attractive way to be is emotionally available, not flawless.