You’ve recently met someone great, they’re really into you and the relationship is moving forward. But something inside of you doesn’t feel right, you don’t trust the relationship and become judgmental and critical. Or something unexpected happens and you get jealous or start doubting their intentions. Before you know it you’ve driven another potential partner away. Self-sabotaging behavior makes dating a minefield and can ruin your love life long-term.

Finding a beloved life partner is incredibly difficult if on some level you don’t believe you deserve it. Self-sabotaging behaviors are an unconscious strategy for keeping your heart safe. Unfortunately they lead to alienating ideal partners and make it difficult to trust yourself.

Self-sabotaging behavior in love stems from past experiences, trust or self-esteem issues, a lack of relationship skills, a fear of getting hurt, or a combination of these factors and more. They appear through strategies for giving and receiving love and can materialize even before a first date.

People who sabotage their dating life desire a relationship, but their hidden blocks to love don’t allow them to receive from the person expressing interest in them. The majority of people who suffer from self-sabotaging behaviors fit into one of these two buckets: those who never end up in a committed relationship, and those who feel uncomfortable when their relationship is going well and act out to create conflict and drama.

Why Do You Sabotage Your Dating Life?

The underlying reason you end up self-sabotaging relationships is an inner conflict between your desire for love and the need to keep your heart safe. This results in sending mixed messages to any prospect or partner that may come along.

This core wound is formed in early childhood and stems from the meanings you assigned to events that occurred in your family of origin. There’s a disconnect between how you desired to be loved as a child, and your parents or caregivers’ ability to love you. In this divide Your Love Imprint^® is formed and becomes your subconscious GPS for love.

Your Love Imprint consists of three parts: your limiting beliefs, mental/emotional patterns, and behavioral strategies for giving and receiving love. All three play a role in self-sabotaging behavior.

Maybe your childhood led you to believe that love is not safe. As an adult, your desire for love and your fears about your emotional or physical safety are in conflict. This causes you to hold back in your relationships to keep your heart safe. Your dates don’t know where you stand with them and are confused by your contradictory messages.

Maybe you believe you’re in some way unworthy of love and feel shame that there’s something wrong with you. You won’t trust anyone who declares their affection for you because it’s the opposite of how you feel inside. This leads you to reject people who like you and to chase those who reject you.

Maybe you believe that you must earn love resulting in a strategy of going into sacrifice. Going without your needs being met for too long fosters anger and resentment. Feeling fed up can cause you to initiate a breakup rather than express your desires.

13 Self-Sabotaging Behaviors That Block You From Love

1. Repressing Your Negative Emotions

Suppressing negative emotions can cause them to erupt and doom your relationship. An unexpected blowup can push your partner away. They may feel blindsided by your sudden outburst, which makes it difficult for them to feel safe in the relationship.

Repressing your emotions also prevents you from showing up authentically in the relationship. When you reveal how you truly feel, your partner might feel like they’re the victim of a bait and switch.

2. Going Exclusive With A Stranger

Committing to exclusivity quickly with someone you barely know is a common self-sabotaging behavior. Relying only on your feelings in the moment isn’t enough information to know if they’re a good match for you long-term.

Going exclusive quickly can cause you to ignore red flags, put on rose-colored glasses, and only see them in the best light. Rushing into a commitment can also lead to unrealistic expectations, placing too much pressure on an undeveloped relationship.

3. Taking Rejection Personally

The reason someone chooses to move on aren’t about you. Finding an ideal match takes time, and it’s important to accept that not everyone is going to be your person. This self-sabotaging behavior eats away at your self-esteem and confidence. It can cause you to become hyper-critical of your own behavior and question every move you make.

This self-abandonment turns you into a people pleaser and leaves you feeling powerless. You’ll end up feeling exhausted by dating and worrying that no one will ever choose you.

4. Avoiding Conflict

Misunderstandings and conflicts are inevitable in relationship. Your attempts to go along to get along will sabotage your chances at lasting love. You’ll never know if someone will stick by you for the long haul or accept you as you are.

Avoiding conflict builds a wall between you as unresolved issues fester and eventually blow up. Couples grow apart because they’re unable to resolve their differences and avoid having uncomfortable conversations. Learning to turn conflict into a deeper connection is a skill every couple needs.

5. Rejecting Before You Can Be Rejected

A common self-sabotaging behavior is to protect your heart by rejecting someone before they can reject you. Rejecting someone first ensures that you remain in control and avoid being hurt, but you won’t have a lasting, loving partnership either.

This strategy is commonly used by people who are afraid their flaws will be exposed. They judge themselves and therefore have a hard time believing a partner won’t also be hard on them.

6. Breaking Trust

Trust is a key ingredient to emotional intimacy. Breaking trust by lying, being unfaithful, or not honoring commitments undermines the foundation of a relationship. Whether it’s little white lies or more significant deceptions, this self-sabotaging behavior creates a sense of betrayal that’s nearly impossible to overcome.

Trust can also be broken by being unreliable, weaponizing incompetence, or not being available when a partner needs you. People who break trust often make matters worse by getting defensive when confronted, refusing to take responsibility for their behavior.

7. Becoming Jealous, Possessive Or Paranoid

Do you find yourself snooping in your partner’s phone, trying to catch them in a lie? This self-sabotaging behavior makes it impossible for love to last. Paranoia, possessiveness, and jealousy create an environment of distrust and insecurity. Love can’t flourish without mutual trust.

Your partner may end up feeling suffocated and unappreciated, plus the constant need for reassurance can be exhausting. These toxic behaviors block you from creating long-lasting love.

8. Overthinking Your Communication

You can end any chance you have of meeting your ideal match by overanalyzing your communication. Overthinking causes analysis paralysis and before you know it the opportunity has passed you by.

Second-guessing what you want to say, ruminating over previous conversations, or clamming up for fear of saying the wrong thing, will sabotage your ability to create a connection. The relationship is over before it ever began.

9. Low-Effort Communication

Ghosting, canceling last minute, or communicating mostly via text are all self-sabotaging behaviors that block you from love. These are low-effort, low-investment behaviors that reveal a lack of interest or respect for any potential partner.

Whether you have a lack of interest, are insecure or selfish, lack communication skills, or the ability to take responsibility for your choices, these self-sabotaging behaviors are a block to creating lasting love.

10. Trying To Avoid Rejection

Trying to avoid rejection by pushing others away before they even have a chance to accept or reject you will keep your heart safe but make it impossible to create connection. No one is going to scale the walls you’ve built around your heart to discover the hidden gold inside.

Love requires risk, and if you’re unable to risk your heart then you’ll end up alone. Avoiding rejection reinforces your fear of rejection, and further cements the belief that love can’t be trusted, keeping you safe but alone.

11. Resistance To Dating

Another self-sabotaging behavior is to believe that you don’t have to date to meet your person, as if you’ll magically meet your ideal life partner at work, your regular coffee shop, or in line at the grocery store. Actively dating through a dating app is the most effective way to get dates and meet a potential life partner.

The resistance could stem from protecting a broken heart, fear of abandonment, low self-esteem, or being cynical about love, but the end result is still the same—no partner to share your life with.

12. Being Overly Judgmental Or Critical

Whether you have unrealistic expectations or find that no one meets your criteria, impossible standards are a big block to love. Being overly critical or judgmental of everyone you meet not only blocks you from love but also causes you to believe that there isn’t a match for you.

Judgment is the biggest block to love, and its source is usually self-judgment. Perfectionism or self-criticism leave you feeling like nothing you do is ever good enough. Your judgment is projected onto potential partners who can never live up to your unrealistic standards. At some point you have to let your best be good enough so that someone else’s best can be good enough for you.

13. Not Asking For What You Want Or Need

You can’t get what you want if you don’t ask for it. It’s an unrealistic expectation that when you meet the right person they’ll intuitively know what you need and how to make you happy. Believing that your partner should somehow read your mind leaves you feeling like you’ll never meet someone who can meet your needs.

If you never speak up you’ll never feel fulfilled in your relationships. You’ve set yourself up for disappointment and resentment. Your lack of communication ensures that no relationship can last.

How To Stop Self-Sabotaging Behavior

Awareness is the first step to changing your self-sabotaging behavior. You can’t change something that you’re not aware of. Examining the root causes of your self-sabotage brings you closer to understanding why you act in ways that undermine your desire for love.

Knowing why won’t actually change the behavior, but it will give you some understanding. It’s important to be kind and compassionate with yourself instead of being self-critical. Nobody is perfect and you’re allowed to make mistakes. Practicing compassion helps you reduce self-judgment and start to love yourself, despite your flaws.

Learning healthy communication skills allows you to express your needs and desires so that you can be heard. When you’re capable of expressing yourself authentically and asking for what you need, you’ll discover a potential partner’s capacity to be a good partner for you.

Examine your expectations of yourself and your potential partners. It’s more important to take responsibility for mistakes than to never make one. Practice radical self-acceptance through accepting all the parts of you—the good, the bad, and the ugly.

Love requires risk and the more you risk your heart, the more you build your relationship resilience. Everyone experiences heartbreak and rejection; the key is being able to bounce back and keep your heart open despite any setbacks.

You can change your self-sabotaging behavior by taking conscious action to heal your relationship wounds and learn new skills for lasting love. Sex is instinctual but lasting love requires skills that aren’t taught in your family or origin or in school.

If you’re struggling with self-sabotaging behavior and would like some help overcoming your challenges, join us for a complimentary Breakthrough Call. It’s time to get to the root cause of your struggles and create the lasting love you desire.