9 Red Flags In A New Relationship That Are Persistent Signs It’s Not Going To Work Out

A new relationship is exciting and intoxicating. It’s easy to put on rose-colored glasses and see your new partner as perfect when all the feel-good chemicals are flowing. Don’t let your desire for this relationship to last obscure your common sense. Ignoring red flags in a new relationship will end up in heartbreak.

There are no guarantees in love. Instead of having a stringent deal-breaker list, keep an eye out for issues that indicate this new relationship is headed in the wrong direction while tucking those rose-colored glasses into a drawer for use later on if things do work out.

9 Red Flags In A New Relationship That Are Persistent Signs It’s Not Going To Work Out

  1. Feeling Insecure And Anxious After Spending Time Together

Pay attention to your feelings after spending time together. When your date departs are you walking on a cloud?  Or does your inner critic kick into overdrive, causing you to feel anxious as if you didn’t do anything right?

Feeling anxious or insecure that you’ve blown the relationship or tearing yourself up thinking you’ve done something wrong is a red flag in a new relationship that can’t be ignored.

If your feelings are out of character, for example, you consistently feel insecure and unsure of yourself even though you’re usually a confident person is a severe red flag.

This new relationship is doomed if you regularly criticize yourself, or if you find that you are twisting into a pretzel to please them.

A healthy relationship inspires you to feel good about yourself and your life. This “high” is a natural component of a new relationship. It’s the fuel that keeps your relationship growing and evolving, so don’t try to go without it no matter how hot they are – it won’t last.

  1. Disagreements Are Regularly Deadlocked

Conflict will arise in every relationship. You won’t agree 100% of the time with anyone. It’s not a red flag in a new relationship to have some bumps along the way. This is all part of figuring out if this new relationship has legs, and if you can repair and reconnect after a disagreement.

However, if your conflicts regularly blow up into fights, it’s likely that the relationship won’t last and isn’t good for you.

You can’t resolve an argument by ignoring it and hoping it’ll just go away or by using sex to make up without cleaning it up. Your disagreements will become chronic and neither of you will feel safe enough to create emotional intimacy. If you don’t speak up about the issues between you, they’ll become a wall that separates your hearts and pushes you apart.

In a healthy relationship, both people take responsibility for their triggers and wounds. This creates a strong bond by reuniting and reaffirming your love for one another. Avoiding conflict and hoping it’ll magically disappear is never the answer.

A major red flag in a new relationship is when one person can’t take responsibility for their half of a disagreement. Be sure that you aren’t allowing fights to fester or regularly fall into a stalemate.

  1. The Past Gets In The Way Of The Present

Everyone experiences heartbreak. Ideally, you take time to heal from it and move forward with renewed hope. However, it’s a red flag in a new relationship if one or both of you are still stuck in the past or feeling bitter and angry about an ex.

If you or your new partner are constantly complaining about your exes, then you’re not emotionally available for a new relationship. Instead of jumping into a new relationship, take time to heal your heart so you’re emotionally available for love.

If your heart is not open and ready to risk again, then love can’t grow between you. Rebound relationships are a huge red flag to look out for. Don’t settle for someone who’s stuck licking their wounds.

You can’t create lasting love when you’re stuck in the past and lamenting what was. Heal your heart first, then go looking for your new love.

  1. You Feel Obsessed And Overwhelmed

Infatuation is intoxicating and all new relationships have the chemical high of “falling” in love. Feeling obsessive and consumed with your partner is a red flag in a new relationship. It’s also a red flag if your partner is pushing the relationship forward quickly before you really know each other.

If you can’t stop thinking about your partner and can’t focus on other things in your life, it’s a sign there’s an unhealthy dynamic between you. This is also true if your partner is obsessing about you and wants to merge your lives together as soon as possible.

A healthy relationship feels grounding and inspiring at the same time like you have roots and wings. It’s okay to take things slowly and discover more about each other over time. If you two are an ideal match, you’ll have the rest of your lives together, so there’s no need to rush.

  1. Boundaries Are Missing From The Relationship

Respectful love has a boundary. This means that you can’t treat your partner however you like just because you’re in a bad mood. Also, it’s unacceptable for your partner to blame you and make you the scapegoat of the relationship. It’s a red flag in a new relationship if you don’t have healthy boundaries. Remember, you are two completely different people.

When there are no boundaries between you, then you can treat each other badly and place blame on the other. A lack of boundaries also means that your wants and needs are unimportant and that your partner takes up all of the oxygen in the relationship.

Without boundaries, you’re in a co-dependent relationship. This means only one person’s needs are being met and the other persons are not. If you have to sacrifice your needs for the relationship run! Love does not require sacrifice.

In a healthy relationship, two people come together and create a third entity, the relationship. You both take actions to fuel the relationship when necessary and to receive from the relationship when desired. Both of you take responsibility for your own emotional life.

  1. Controlling Behavior

If your new love is trying to control you — who you see, where you spend your time, what’s important to you — then that’s a red flag in a new relationship. Whether they’re keeping tabs on you, getting jealous about who you spend your time with, or constantly checking your phone, they don’t trust you and are trying to control you.

Controlling behavior comes from a lack of trust and trustworthiness. Someone who’s trying to control you has their own agenda and it’s not coming from love. You are your own authority and only you know what’s good for you and what isn’t.

This strategy can also manifest as needing you to change, like they’re trying to shape you into the person they want you to be instead of loving you for who you are. If you encounter this red flag in a new relationship, then get out as quickly as possible because it’s not going to get any better.

  1. Communication Breakdowns

Communication is key for love to thrive. It has to feel like a safe space for both of you to communicate your feelings, your wants, and your needs. Emotional intimacy requires that you can be vulnerable with each other.

If you’re constantly experiencing communication breakdowns, feel misunderstood, or don’t feel like you can speak up for yourself, these are red flags in a new relationship.

Consistent disagreements, miscommunications, or a lack of communication between you are hindrances to love blossoming into something special. If you can’t communicate, love won’t thrive.

Find someone who speaks your language and is capable of hearing you. When you can communicate openly and freely, then emotional intimacy can grow between you.

  1. The Relationship Stays In A Bubble

Part of coming together in a new relationship is merging your lives together. You become a part of his group of friends, and he becomes a part of yours. When the time is right, you both introduce one another to your families. It’s a red flag in a new relationship if the relationship exists within an isolated bubble and you never become a part of each other’s inner circle.

Your relationship isn’t more exciting because it’s a secret. If someone is hiding you from the rest of their life, then what else are they hiding from you? There’s a lot to discover when you see how they interact with their friends and family as well as yours.

If your friends and family are not supportive of your choice of a partner, it could be an opportunity to take a deeper look at them. You could discover you don’t like who your partner is when they’re with their friends. How they behave with your family will clue you in as to whether they’re capable of being your ally.

In a healthy relationship, your relationship will thrive when it includes more than just the two of you.

  1. Lack Of Shared Values

There is a lot of focus on finding someone who you’re compatible with when you’re dating. You want to be with someone who shares your hobbies or who likes the same kind of entertainment as you. However, you may miss what’s really important to evaluate if your love is to last – it is a red flag in a new relationship if you don’t share the same goals and dreams in life.

Just because you both like the outdoors or share a love of Disneyland doesn’t mean that you want the same things out of life. If you aren’t on the same page about the important things, then you’ll find it difficult to survive the inevitable curve balls life throws your way.

It’s great that you have activities that you share, but that’s not enough for love to last.

For a love to last over time, you’ll need to be with someone who shares the same values as you do. This is how you can always work together toward a common goal.

In a healthy relationship, you take the time to discover what’s really important to each other. You discuss the hard things like money, spirituality, and your expectations for a life together. That way when difficulties arise you can respect your different strategies for dealing with stress because you know you’re on the same page.

Don’t let the rush of emotion blind you to the red flags in a new relationship that can sabotage your desires. Taking a conscious approach to love can give you the insight you’ll need if the two of you have what it takes to create long-lasting, soul-satisfying love.

If your relationships never seem to go anywhere or you’re struggling to make love last, join us for a complimentary Soulmate Strategy Session. We’ll help you get to the root of what’s really going on and create a plan for creating the lasting love you desire.

About the authors

Love Coaches Orna and Matthew Walters

Orna and Matthew Walters are soulmate coaches and prolific writers about love. Finding love, keeping love, healing from heartbreak, bringing in your beloved and more. They have been published on MSN, Yahoo!, YourTango, Redbook, and have been featured guest experts on BRAVO’s THE MILLIONAIRE MATCHMAKER with Patti Stanger, and as guests with Esther Perel speaking about love and intimacy.

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