8 Signs You Are Emotionally Unavailable For Love Even If Mr. Perfect Walked Into Your Life

Is your heart open or closed to love? What if the perfect man walked into your life tomorrow? Would you be able to let him in or are you emotionally unavailable?

Do believe you’ll have to give up your independence for a relationship? Or do you fear your heart will be broken again? Do you hold your cards close to your chest waiting for him to reveal his feelings first? Do you only speak your truth in jest so you can say you were kidding if it isn’t received well? Maybe you offer physical intimacy instead of emotional intimacy as a way to guard your heart.

These are all symptoms of being emotionally unavailable for love.

Love requires that you risk your heart and be your authentic self. Emotional intimacy is the foundation of a lasting loving partnership. Suppose you’re unable to comfortably share your emotions, navigate conflicts, and take responsibility for your part. In that case, you’re ill-equipped for a lasting partnership because you’re emotionally unavailable for a lasting connection.

If you grew up in a family that had trouble expressing emotions, or only expected you to excel in your studies but didn’t offer support to create emotional intimacy you’d lack the communication skills for love to last. If your family life was chaotic and unstable or if your parents fought a lot, you may have closed your heart in order to feel safe. However, if you want a fulfilling intimate relationship you have to be emotionally available to let someone in.

No one is born knowing how to make love last, and most people didn’t have ideal relationship role models growing up. Regardless of your specific circumstances, you can break the pattern of being emotionally unavailable. The first step is knowing the signs that you are the one who is genuinely in your own way.

8 Signs You Are Emotionally Unavailable For Love

  1. You Can’t Let Go Of The Past

It’s part of the human experience to have your heart broken because it’s part of the journey to adulthood. However, if you haven’t taken the time to heal your heart from past relationships then you’re emotionally unavailable for the possibility of love in the present.

Maybe you haven’t let go of the wounds you experienced in childhood. The circumstances of your family of origin shaped who you are today. You can’t escape the effect of your early childhood and its influence on how you show up in your intimate relationships. You learned about love in your family of origin, just like you learned everything else including how to walk and talk.

If you’re stuck still blaming those circumstances for your struggles as an adult, you won’t feel like you can alter your situation. It’s impossible to create healthy emotional connections if you feel like a victim of your past.

Viewing present-day events through the lens of past hurts will cause you to misjudge new love interests and feel afraid to open your heart. It’ll be difficult for you to trust anyone and truly evaluate who is trustworthy.

If this sounds like you, the way to break this pattern is to heal those wounds from your past by practicing forgiveness and compassion. There is gold in this healing process that will enrich your life and deepen all of your relationships.

  1. You Think The Problem Is Outside Of You

If you believe the reason you can’t create the love you want right now is men or dating apps, or “___[fill in the blank]___,” then lasting love will be elusive. You have zero power to solve a problem that’s outside of you because you can’t change the world around you — you can only change yourself.

Blaming your age, where you live, or the difficulty in meeting new people may temporarily give you relief for your inability to get dates. It’s also a signal that you’re emotionally unavailable and that you need to change your mindset about finding love.

Focusing on the problems outside of you keeps you from dealing with your fears and insecurities about love and dating. It’s the easy way out when things don’t go your way. It may keep your heart safe from disappointment, but it won’t bring you closer to the lasting love you desire.

Placing blame on circumstances outside of your control leaves you feeling powerless and a victim of your circumstances. Carry that same mentality into dating and you’ll end up disappointed over and over again, it’s a self-fulfilling prophecy.

Take responsibility for what you can control — your thoughts, your feelings and your actions — and let go of the rest. You can set yourself up for success if you stop blaming the world for why it’s hard to find love and focus on changing your strategies if you aren’t getting the results you want.

  1. You Go Along To Get Along

Conflict is a natural part of all relationships, even the strongest and healthiest ones. Avoiding conflict, shutting your partner out when you are upset, and ignoring your own wants and needs because you don’t want to “rock the boat,” are all symptoms that you’re emotionally unavailable.

Being agreeable is not in and of itself a negative quality. It only becomes a problem when you’re afraid to speak up because you don’t know how the other person will respond. You can’t control how other people behave and being agreeable to avoid conflict blocks you from emotional intimacy.

True emotional connection is created when you’re vulnerable and authentic. Hiding your desires so you don’t upset anyone is inauthentic and is the death of emotional connection.

Conflict is not a sign that things are not “meant to be.” Working through your differences will only strengthen your relationship.

In a healthy relationship, you can navigate conflict with your partner. You can ask for what you want even when it feels uncomfortable. You’re okay if your partner disagrees with you. You’re not twisting yourself into a pretzel trying to please your guy. You can relax and be yourself, even when the two of you aren’t in alignment.

  1. You’re Addicted To Drama

Is your life constantly in chaos? Do your relationships seem like a steady stream of breakups, betrayals and setbacks? It may seem like everyone’s out to get you but maybe you’re the source of the drama.

When you can’t help but fight with your man or are unable to manage your emotional triggers, you’ll be in a constant state of reactivity. You may only feel alive when you’re upset about something or someone.

It can feel exciting and passionate when emotions are heated, but too much drama will destroy emotional connection in your relationships. It’ll also leave you feeling unsafe and unable to trust anyone.

Too much drama has a corrosive effect on a relationship. Eventually, neither of you will feel safe to be vulnerable and open with each other. You have to develop a respectful way of navigating your differences for love to flourish between you.

Putting your need to be right aside and becoming curious about your triggers can help reduce your tendency to create drama. Look for how you can let go of the rope, release the power struggle, and create connection in your relationships. Navigating conflict is a necessary skill for lasting love.

  1. You’re Afraid Of Being Vulnerable

Vulnerability is essential to creating intimacy. By definition, being vulnerable requires you to share your feelings. If you can’t open your heart and share your truth, then you’re emotionally unavailable.

Vulnerability is not a sign of weakness. To be vulnerable is to risk your heart and that takes courage and strength. You can’t create the lasting love you desire if you’re afraid to take that risk and share yourself with another person.

Of course, sharing yourself opens you up to being rejected. Is a fear of rejection driving your need to keep your heart closed and safe? You can never feel loved and accepted if you don’t open your heart. Being willing to risk rejection takes courage, but it’s the only way to find an ideal life partner.

No one is coming to tear down the walls around your heart. No man is going to be able to create an environment where you can finally be vulnerable without the fear of rejection. You have to be willing to risk first, then you can allow a man to get close to you.

Take the risk to share your hurts, your fears, and your upsets and you’ll open the space to be seen and accepted. Vulnerability is the essence of emotional connection.

  1. You Struggle With Boundaries

Healthy love requires boundaries. Love does not mean that you can say or do anything to your partner. It also doesn’t mean that you have found your other half who completes you. It may feel exciting and romantic to merge with another and become one, but you are two different people with different thoughts, feelings and desires.

When you don’t have respectful boundaries in your relationships then you confuse which feelings are yours and which are your partner’s.

Do you dive in right away when you meet someone you’re attracted to? Do you ignore your friends when you’re in a relationship? Does love feel obsessive and all-consuming?

You may think this shows that you’re completely open to love, but it actually indicates that you’re emotionally unavailable.

When you don’t have boundaries, you confuse your feelings and desires with your partner’s. You feel guilty and anxious that you’ve done something wrong when your partner is upset. Constantly fearing being rejected or abandoned, you struggle to know how you feel about what’s going on and therefore can’t be authentic.

This can wreak havoc in your relationship. Constantly making assumptions about your partner, blaming him for your upset, needing him to calm you down and reassure you, are behaviors that muddy the emotional waters between the two of you.

Respectful love has a boundary. The boundary creates the conditions for love to grow in a trusting and nurturing way.

  1. You’re A Perfectionist

Perfectionism is just an excuse to judge yourself and others for not being “enough.” It gets in the way of you feeling good about yourself. You will make mistakes in your relationships, and so will your man. Not allowing for mistakes puts too much pressure on a relationship and kills intimacy.

Perfectionism can cause you to make comparisons and judge yourself and your partner harshly. Judgment is one of the biggest indicators that you’re emotionally unavailable for love. Whether you’re judging yourself or your guy, you’re creating a wall between the two of you that blocks emotional connection.

Your inner dialog about your failures can’t help but be projected onto any partner you meet. No one will ever seem good enough for you. You will find yourself being constantly disappointed and frustrated.

Just because you learn to accept your imperfections doesn’t mean that you give up on life and spend all of your time on the couch eating bonbons. You can’t actually grow and change without first accepting your limitations.

Having compassion for yourself allows you to be human. Having compassion for your man allows you to forgive his mistakes. Compassion is a key ingredient to creating emotional connection with someone. It becomes the glue that allows the two of you to navigate through life’s difficulties.

  1. You Struggle With Commitment

Do you keep your relationships in the gray and resist labeling them? Do you have difficulty trusting? Are you afraid you’ll lose your freedom in a relationship?

Dating is easy when you don’t expect that things will last. You can have fun and keep things casual between you. You get to keep your options open. It doesn’t take any effort to stick around when things are going smoothly.

However, if you bolt at the first sign of difficulty then you’re probably afraid of commitment and are emotionally unavailable. Lasting love requires you to make a deeper commitment to yourself and to your man. It asks you to commit to working through your differences, not avoiding them.

Commitment requires you to make adjustments and negotiate. Ultimately you’re committing to becoming a “we” instead of just “me.” It means that you’re choosing this man and therefore rejecting all other men.

You can’t have a relationship without a commitment. Commitment is the bond that allows each partner to trust that the relationship will last when there are difficulties. Creating a commitment with each other requires that the two of you can have a conversation about what that commitment means. You get to discover if you’re on the same page and want the same things.

You may try to justify being emotionally unavailable by claiming that you are happy being alone, but if you can’t open up and allow someone into your heart then you’ll never feel connected to another human being.

Humans are by nature social creatures. As the saying goes, “No one is an island.” The only way to truly thrive is by allowing yourself to open your heart and create a long-lasting loving partnership where you heal one another’s wounds.

The first step to stop being emotionally unavailable is to pay attention to your emotional patterns and not just your thoughts. Catalog your limiting beliefs about love by journaling and filling in the blanks for “Love is…” and “Love is not…”

It takes courage to face your limitations and to heal them. As holistic dating coaches, we focus on you as a whole being and how changing yourself changes your results in your love life. If you’re emotionally unavailable for love and ready to gain new strategies to let love in join us for a complimentary Soulmate Strategy Session. You could be one phone call away from opening your heart to love!

About the authors

Love Coaches Orna and Matthew Walters

Orna and Matthew Walters are soulmate coaches and prolific writers about love. Finding love, keeping love, healing from heartbreak, bringing in your beloved and more. They have been published on MSN, Yahoo!, YourTango, Redbook, and have been featured guest experts on BRAVO’s THE MILLIONAIRE MATCHMAKER with Patti Stanger, and as guests with Esther Perel speaking about love and intimacy.

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