If You’re Tired Of Being Lonely But Don’t Want Another Bad Relationship, Here’s What You Need To Do
There is nothing worse than feeling tired of being lonely and yet afraid you’ll make the same mistakes if you get into a relationship again. It feels like you are stuck between a rock and a hard place – part of you longing for love and another part afraid you’ll make the same mistakes again.
We call this situation being stuck in a double bind. Two parts inside of you want what appears to be opposing things and these two parts are at a standoff. It’s like you are arm-wrestling yourself and each part is equally strong, so you never get anywhere – you’re just stuck.
If you stay stuck too long then you’ll end up unmotivated and ambivalent about ever creating love. Your motivation is lost, or you stop and start with fits and starts never making any headway.
The good news is that you don’t have to stay stuck! You can find your way out of this double-bind, find your motivation, desire for love again, and the ability to take action towards having the love you want. It doesn’t matter how young or old you are.
If you’re tired of being lonely but don’t want another bad relationship, here’s what you need to do. Follow these steps and you’ll be ready to create the long-lasting, soul-satisfying love you desire.
Discover Your Patterns
You have a pattern (or two) that determines your behavior in relationship including the kind of person you find attractive. Maybe you’re attracted to emotionally unavailable partners. Perhaps you alternate between someone you have strong chemistry with who is not a values match for you, and someone who is hot for you but you’re just not feeling it.
Don’t get hung up on the personality similarities or differences or even your exes’ physical appearance. Focus instead on the dynamic in the relationship.
Who pursued who?
Who initiated the break-up?
Were there similarities in the type of conflicts you experienced?
Was there a familiar catalyst that ended the relationships?
Were you triggered into the same negative emotional patterns?
Chart out your past relationships to find the common denominators that are present. These common denominators will reveal your overall patterns that are blocking you.
Once you’ve discovered your patterns, trace them back to your family of origin. Where are the commonalities between your dating/relationship life and your life as a child in your family of origin?
We call this pattern, Your Love Imprint®, and this childhood wound is the main reason why you continue to struggle to create the love you want.
But it’s not a life sentence. You are not destined to struggle in love, feeling hopeless, and tired of being lonely. Commit to the next step and you’ll discover that your motivation and desire can be rekindled.
Release The Emotions Of The Past
If you are tired of being lonely, then you are probably still connected to the heartache from your past relationships. You could imagine that the negative emotions you still have about those events are strings and ropes of energy holding you back from feeling joy and feeling motivated to change your life. Even holding you back from feeling the happiness you crave.
You have to cut those strings and ropes of energy from those wounding events in order to break your emotional patterns and move on.
The pattern of negative emotions is literally attracting similar situations into your life over and over again. Until you break this pattern, you could find yourself stuck and unmotivated to do anything about it.
Identify your emotional pattern by drilling down to using six core negative emotions: fear, anger, sadness, hurt, shame, and guilt. These emotions are only labeled as negative because they are not enjoyable to experience.
Take anxiety for example, you can drill down to fear as the core emotion. Anger is the core of feeling frustrated. See if you can write out your emotional pattern by using these six emotions as labels.
Ask yourself what happens when you are triggered and upset? This is the pattern that we are asking you to determine. (You may have more than one common pattern some people have two or three.)
Once you have identified your emotional patterns, you are ready to begin the process of releasing them.
Here are a few powerful steps for releasing negative emotions and healing past wounds.
1. Practice Forgiveness
Our favorite forgiveness practice is a Hawaiian spiritual practice called Ho’oponopono.
Pono in Hawaiian means integrity and Ho’oponopono means coming into integrity with yourself. Doing this practice will allow you to forgive and release hurts and heartbreaks. Ultimately forgiveness is for you. Stepping into forgiveness frees you up to move on and create something new from a clean slate.
To practice Ho’oponopono, follow these steps:
- Place your palms on the center of your chest – your heart center.
- Close your eyes and picture the person you wish to focus on. This may be a past partner or it may be a younger version of you.
- Say these 4 phrases aloud:
- I’m sorry.
- Please forgive me.
- Thank you.
- I love you.
- Repeat for 5-10 minutes.
- Practice daily at a minimum.
2. Discover The Golden Nugget Of Learning™
Another step in the healing journey is to find gratitude for the relationships that didn’t work out. Your ex showed up in your life to teach you something.
When you can be grateful for the experience you can grow and learn from it and become the version of you that is ready to call in a beloved relationship.
For step-by-step instructions on how to discover the Golden Nugget Of Learning™ click here.
3. Release The Situation For The Highest Good Of All
Now that you’ve taken time to forgive, discover the Golden Nugget, and feel gratitude for the experience, you’ll want to let it go.
Resist the urge to share your new understanding with your ex (or exes). Your learning is for you, not for anyone else. Ultimately it’s your perspective that you are changing as your memories are malleable. You are unable to create this change for another person.
Grip something tightly like a pen or pencil in your hand, and as you squeeze it, imagine this is you holding onto the event you want to release. Gently open your hand with your palm facing up, allowing the pen or pencil to simply rest on your palm. This is you finding the deeper learning from the event. Then turn your palm over as you imagine letting go of the event, letting the pen or pencil fall to the floor.
Instead of holding onto the incidents that have caused you pain, examine them, learn from them, and let them go.
“Holding on to anger and resentment is like drinking poison and expecting the other person to die.” ~Buddha
Through these steps, you’ll find that your energy has shifted and you’ll be overcome with a feeling of peace and calm. This is the key to being able to create a soulmate relationship.
Get Clear On What You Really Want
Many coaches and dating programs tell you to make a list of the qualities of the person you are looking for like you could order a soulmate from Amazon or off an á la carte menu at a restaurant.
Most people are clear on what they don’t want; unfortunately, you can’t create from lack. What you truly desire is not the opposite of what you don’t want.
Manifesting love does not work that way.
Instead of focusing on feeling tired of being lonely, focus on the kind of relationship you want; discover the dynamic you desire between you and your beloved. How do you want your soulmate relationship to function? What will you contribute to the relationship? What do you want your soulmate to provide for you?
Becoming crystal clear on what you‘re looking for in a relationship frees you up from being attached to unimportant superficial things and also slows down the process of getting into a commitment before you have enough information to evaluate a potential partner.
Healthy relationships are an exchange between two equal partners. You might row the boat together, you might take turns rowing now and again, and sometimes you’ll just chill out together in the boat of life.
Approach Dating A Whole New Way
In order to date for your soulmate, you have to slow things down in order to speed up the process. When you are tired of being lonely you can rush into exclusivity with the first person you feel an affinity towards. Instead, take your time getting to know someone before you go exclusive and learn how to cultivate discernment through the dating process.
If you’re just looking for physical chemistry you may find that you’re dating the same person over and over again with a different face. Chemistry is only ONE important ingredient in a relationship, like yeast in a loaf of bread.
Don’t go looking for your soulmate in an online profile and rejecting anyone who doesn’t match your criteria, be open to going on a date with the men who are interested in meeting you.
Attraction is not a requirement for a date, only for a relationship. Every single person you meet knows people you haven’t met yet. A friend of Orna’s from college is married to the brother of a guy Orna met online dating. So you never know through what avenues you’ll connect with your beloved.
How you feel in the presence of your date is more informative than anything you will read online or hear over a phone call or Skype chat. Energy doesn’t transfer through a digital screen or telephone.
Use dating as a tool to learn more about yourself and discover if there are new strategies you want to develop. Becoming familiar with your inner dialog when you are on a date will give you a lot of insights into your dating strategies and whether or not they are effective.
Notice your inner dialog when you are on a date with someone you are attracted to versus someone you don’t find attractive. Are you more comfortable speaking up when there is no attraction? Do you use throw caution to the wind and jump in when the chemistry is hot?
Pay attention to how you feel immediately after you part from your date. Do you criticize yourself, thinking about all the things you should have done or said differently?
Is it easy for you to find fault with your date and add up the evidence that there isn’t a match for you in world?
Do you excuse bad behavior and ignore red flags when you feel the intoxication of chemistry?
What do you discover when you connect the dots of your own behavior?
Discovering strategies that have not served you will give you the confidence to make changes in your behavior and belief system over time so you can make a new choice. These changes will lead to you being more authentic through the dating process so you can find an ideal match.
Focus On What Inspires You
When you go on a first meet or first date share your dreams and goals instead of focusing on your dating horror stories. Inspire your date to join you in in being positive and sharing what brings each of you joy and fulfillment.
Don’t put off doing things that you enjoy. Travel, take classes, start that hobby you’ve been thinking about, be social, attend events, do whatever you can to cultivate more joy into your life.
Water seeks its own level; so happy people attract happy people to them! If you’re tired of being lonely, you’ll attract more situations to feel lonely.
Make a promise to treat yourself like you want your beloved to treat you. Vow to love, honor, and cherish yourself.
You can even make a ritual out of it and buy yourself a ring, write vows to yourself, and go somewhere beautiful in nature and marry yourself. This may sound a bit hokey, however when you anchor the experience of making this commitment to yourself your subconscious mind will look for more ways to bring you the same level of commitment over and over again.
Start behaving as if your soulmate is already here. How would you feel, what would you do if you knew without a shadow of a doubt that your soulmate was right around the corner? Act as if it is inevitable that the two of you meet.
When your focus is tied up in feeling tired of being lonely, you attract more feelings of loneliness.
When you connect with your beloved, no matter how it happens, it will feel magical. The chemical high of the romance phase of relationship will feel blissful. This first phase is temporary and a promise of what can be if both people continue to choose each other.
Choosing love does not mean that you accept bad behavior. Loving yourself will mean that you’ll be able to speak up for yourself and ask for what you want.
Your soulmate will not be a perfect person but will be perfect for you.
Choosing love may mean setting your ego aside and choosing the relationship.
Taking your time through the dating process before going exclusive allows for challenges to pop up. Don’t iron out the conflicts and instead choose love to find a way to turn a conflict into a deeper connection.
Love is a choice and it is a choice that you make every single day with the person you are committed to weathering the storms with.
There’s a Swedish proverb that sums up why we couple up to begin with:
Shared joy is double joy. Shared sorrow is half sorrow.
If you’re tired of being lonely and the dating cycle you’re stuck in let us break you out of your patterns by scheduling a complimentary Soulmate Strategy Call with us. This private time will allow us to personalize a plan just for you.
About the authors
Orna and Matthew Walters are soulmate coaches and prolific writers about love. Finding love, keeping love, healing from heartbreak, bringing in your beloved and more. They have been published on MSN, Yahoo!, YourTango, Redbook, and have been featured guest experts on BRAVO’s THE MILLIONAIRE MATCHMAKER with Patti Stanger, and as guests with Esther Perel speaking about love and intimacy.