How important is chemistry between two people for lasting love?
“Hi Orna and Matthew,
I have a question about the importance of chemistry between two people.
I’ve been dating this guy for about 4 months and he is unlike any of the men I’ve dated in the past. He is kind, thoughtful, and he seems to really like me. He says he wants to be with me and I believe him.
After reading a bunch of books and listening to webinars I know that how the guy treats me is the thing to pay attention to.
It’s clear to me that this man is a good and kind man. His behavior shows me that I am a priority for him.
I want to know if you think that is enough?
I’ve made mistakes choosing guys I had a lot of chemistry with in the past and ignored red flags.
So this time around I’m not sure what it is that I’m looking for.
I like him, but I’m not sure that I love him. He treats me great… is that enough?
Thank you for your heartfelt question. We find that your situation is all too common and in our opinion, there is just too much bad advice out there. So many dating coaches want you to settle for someone who treats you well – as if that’s all there is to lasting love.
How he treats you is important, and so is that spark, the chemistry between two people. But there is a lot more to it than that.
For example, if you were to create a list of ten ingredients that are essential for lasting-love, treating you well and the chemistry between two people are just two of those ingredients.
Choosing a man who treats you well, but where there is no chemistry will lead to a lifetime of feeling unfulfilled. It’s not possible to settle for a lifetime with someone. Chemistry – ATTRACTION – is part of the equation of soul-satisfying, long-lasting love.
If You Don’t Have Chemistry Between Two People, It Won’t Last.
Just like if you don’t have yeast in the dough it won’t be bread. It won’t ever be bread. It won’t someday become bread. All you’ve got is a cracker and that’s just not enough.
Where the majority of people go wrong is they place too much emphasis on the chemistry between two people – if it’s there, they overlook everything else – even big giant red flags.
You’ve been down that road and you’ve experienced the consequences of putting all your eggs in that basket. However, now it appears you are over-correcting in the other direction.
Just because you’ve dated some guys where the intensity was strong and it went badly doesn’t mean that every guy you feel chemistry with is a bad guy or will be bad for you.
Ignoring the red flags is a mistake you’ve made in the past. That’s a correction you can make and stay the course to have the chemistry between two people be one of many things you know you want to experience.
When you place too much emphasis on a single ingredient and ignore what isn’t working or what feels off, then you are setting yourself up for disappointment.
Your Soulmate Is More Than A Guy Who Treats You Well Or Have Great Chemistry With.
Your Soulmate – the guy you want to spend your entire life with – will cover more than just your foundational needs – he will deliver on the majority of your wants too!
So many people want to rush to exclusivity when they meet someone who has one of the ingredients they are looking for, hoping that they can convince themselves to ignore what isn’t working.
Don’t assume that you’ll be able to thrive in your relationship by wishing and hoping that once you get married things will change and he’ll become the man of your dreams.
- He treats you well. Maybe you’ll develop chemistry over time.
- You have off the charts chemistry. Maybe he’ll change and become more emotionally available.
- You have so much in common and enjoy each other’s company. Maybe you can ignore the fact that you can’t stand his friends.
- He has a great job and would make a great provider. Maybe he’ll learn to make you a priority in his life.
Making these common mistakes can lead to feeling unfulfilled, frustrated, and neglected.
Keep Your Heart Karma Clean
If you don’t have all the feelings with this guy and you know he has them for you, sticking with it is unfair to him. This will ultimately affect Your Heart Karma™.
There are ethical consequences for our actions. How we treat others does count. We don’t think you’d want someone to settle for you and think you’re “good enough.” This guy deserves someone who is crazy about him, as do you. Keep Your Heart Karma clean and set him free to find his ideal match.
It’s also important to keep this in mind during a break up. Asking him to be friends only comes from not wanting to feel bad about breaking his heart. A clean break is better than keeping him in the wings where his hope lingers on that you’ll have a change of heart.
There is a big difference between being friendly and being friends. You need not have animosity between you and the guys you’ve dated. If you bump into them at Starbucks you can smile and catch up for a minute or two.
A friend is someone you’d hang out with and spend time with even after you’re with your soulmate. You’d go on double-dates together and meet one another’s spouses and celebrate milestone birthdays, etc.
When you are ready to start dating again you’ll want a new approach. You’ve probably been using the same dating and relationship strategies that worked for you in your teens and twenties (which is why chemistry between two people was so important to you).
It’s time to stop dating like a teenager and learn to date like an adult.
The Goal Through The Dating Process Is To Select An Ideal Match
Slowing down the dating process allows for time to discover who he is before rushing into exclusivity.
Most people date backwards. They feel attracted to someone and they put on rose-colored glasses and give that person the benefit of the doubt before they even know who he is.
Don’t give a stranger the benefit of the doubt.
The dating process is supposed to take time, as that is the selection process.
Most people rush too quickly to a commitment to discover the person isn’t who or what they thought or hoped he would be.
Take your time, even if you have to slow him down. If he’s the right man for you, he will adjust to your pace.
If a guy really likes you, he will wait for you. He’ll be patient with you. He’ll want to win your heart and know how to keep it.
You can see how he spends his resources (time, energy, and money), and experience some bumps in the road to see how you two resolve conflicts that arise. You build trust with him over time.
Everyone is on their best behavior at the beginning of the dating process so it’s important to wait to see and discover who he is through his behavior.
Taking Your Time Through The Dating Process Allows You To Discover What He Values
When his values are a match to yours, then you can create something that lasts.
Be wary of discussing values and thinking you can discover these things through a conversation – you can’t. Even deep philosophical discussions with hypotheticals will not give you the answer. You won’t find out what you really need to know.
Be open with him about your likes and dislikes. Draw him a map of how to win your heart by making requests and speaking how you feel.
The fact is that life will throw challenges your way whether or not you are in a relationship. That’s why choosing a partner is so important and cannot be rushed.
No One Person Will Be Perfect – But Your Soulmate Will Be Perfect For You!
Your ideal match will get you. You’ll feel supported and understood. You will have each other’s back. You will know you can count on each other like you know the sun will rise tomorrow.
That kind of love doesn’t happen in a few months, or even in a few years. It is nurtured over time. There is a skillset for lasting love because ultimately love is a choice.
What Are The Ingredients For Lasting Love?
Here is a sample of essential ingredients for our relationship:
- Chemistry and attraction – you’ll want to have a healthy, active sex life.
- Respect – respect each other’s differences and treat each other with respect.
- Shared values – this carries the relationship through the hard times. You both are on the same page about what is important.
- Ability to navigate conflict – conflict is a doorway to a deeper connection when you have the ability to take responsibility for your side of the equation.
- Communication – speaking how you feel with one another, even when emotions are heated.
- Self-awareness – the ability to acknowledge and own your shortcomings and mistakes.
- Connection – feeling connected and present with each other helps you avoid making assumptions or becoming bored.
Are you interested in creating your version? Join us for a complimentary Soulmate Strategy Session. During this call, we’ll help you create an action plan for the lasting love you desire and deserve. You are worth loving!
About the authors
Orna and Matthew Walters are soulmate coaches and prolific writers about love. Finding love, keeping love, healing from heartbreak, bringing in your beloved and more. They have been published on MSN, Yahoo!, YourTango, Redbook, and have been featured guest experts on BRAVO’s THE MILLIONAIRE MATCHMAKER with Patti Stanger, and as guests with Esther Perel speaking about love and intimacy.