Lasting love thrives when there’s emotional connection and intimacy, without them, you’ll drift apart over time. Communication is the lifeline that keeps emotional intimacy alive. Unfortunately, most people are never taught how to speak their truth without blaming, or how to listen without getting defensive. Sadly, healthy relationship communication is a skill most people don’t develop before investing their heart with a beloved partner.

Most relationship communication problems aren’t because of a lack of love, they’re the result of a lack of skills for expressing feelings, resolving conflict, or making requests. Over time, these misfires create feelings of hurt and frustration, and slowly chip away at trust and emotional intimacy, weakening the foundation of the relationship.

The good news is that relationship communication skills can be learned. While sex is instinctual, long-term monogamous relationship is not. You weren’t born knowing how to communicate your emotions, and likely you weren’t modeled healthy communication skills in your family of origin.

Developing your relationship communication skills will pay off for a lifetime in all your relationships, especially romantic ones. Whether you’re dating, in a new relationship, or deep into a long-term commitment, learning to identify your bad communication habits and acquiring healthier relationship communication techniques can make you a better, more compassionate partner.

Here are the most common relationship communication mistakes that block intimacy and what to do instead.

Mistake #1: Expecting Your Partner To Read Your Mind

You might sigh loudly, give the silent treatment, or drop vague hints hoping your partner will figure out what you need. When they don’t pick up on your cues, you feel hurt, not valued, or even worse, rejected. This approach can leave both of you feeling misunderstood and frustrated.

Hoping your partner will read between the lines isn’t romantic—it’s a communication trap that often leads to resentment. Learning to speak up for yourself and make requests may require practice. Be kind and loving with yourself as you learn better relationship communication skills. The dating process is an ideal place to practice because there’s nothing at stake yet.

What To Do Instead:

Clearly state your needs using “I” language which allows you to take responsibility for your experience. Instead of hoping your partner will intuit your desires, say: “I felt disappointed when our plans changed last minute again. I need consistency so I can trust that I’m valued in my most important relationship.” Directness creates clarity, and therefore creates connection.

Mistake #2: Avoiding Conflict To Keep The Peace

If you’re afraid that conflict indicates a problem in the relationship you may avoid bringing up concerns altogether. Remaining silent to avoid rocking the boat ends up creating emotional distance and disconnect.

Conflict is part of sharing your life with another person. Burying your feelings or denying them doesn’t make them go away. This strategy creates resentment which builds under the surface until it eventually erupts or calcifies into apathy.

What To Do Instead:

Rather than allowing your emotions to build up over time, speak up early, while the issue is still manageable. Practice expressing your needs and frustrations in a way that invites collaboration. Try: “I feel scared about bringing up something that concerns me, especially when it’s something small. I don’t want there to be landmines in our relationship. Can we talk about what’s been bothering me?” True intimacy grows through repair, not avoidance.

In your beloved relationship you can talk about anything, but you don’t have to talk about everything. Relationship communication issues only work themselves out when you speak your truth. Rehearse making requests from people that you’re close with, you’ll likely find that all your relationships improve by sharing your authentic self.

Mistake #3: Waiting To Respond Instead Of Listening To Understand

Sadly, most people listen just enough to prepare a response, while others interrupt, correct, or shut down their partner before they’ve finished speaking. These habits can turn conversations into power struggles rather than opportunities for a stronger bond. If your partner doesn’t feel heard, they will eventually stop sharing.

This common relationship communication strategy eats away at the love between you. Each partner wants to feel loved and safe. Learning to listen without forming a reply takes practice.

What To Do Instead:

Practice reflective listening. Concentrate entirely on what they’re saying and reflect it back before sharing your own thoughts. Try: “It sounds like you’re feeling overwhelmed and that you need more support. Did I get that right?” This practice builds trust and signals that their emotions matter and that you value them.

Mistake #4: Using Absolutes Like “Always” And “Never”

Statements like “You always ignore me,” or “You never listen,” create defensiveness and leave no room for nuance or growth. They assign character flaws instead of identifying specific behaviors that can be addressed and changed.

What To Do Instead:

Avoid generalizations and speak to the specific behavior that triggered your response. Say: “I feel dismissed and unimportant when the person I’m speaking with looks at their phone during our conversations.”

Utilizing “I” language and avoiding saying “You,” opens the door for understanding rather than escalating the tension.

Another option is to ask for a pause. Absolute language is a sign that you’re triggered, which means you’re not in the right emotional space to converse about the issue. Take a break and calm your nervous system. Once your big brain is back online you can come together with your partner for a proper repair.

Mistake #5: Using Sarcasm, Criticism, Or Contempt

Sarcasm, name-calling, eye-rolling, or mocking may appear as emotional venting, however, these behaviors are poison to feeling connected and close. These strategies create a climate of shame and criticism instead of safety and connection.

Contempt is one of the strongest predictors of relationship failure because it blocks intimacy by making the other person feel small or unsafe.

What To Do Instead:

Slow down and identify the vulnerable feelings underneath your frustration and hurt. Share your feelings instead of lashing out. Try: “I feel hurt and disconnected. Would you please share with me how you’re feeling? I’d like to know we’re on the same team.” Vulnerability invites connection while criticism invites distance.

Relationship communication doesn’t have to be perfect to find your way through life with a beloved partner. Love is messy, and sometimes you’ll make mistakes in how you communicate. The repair suggestion above also works as an apology when you make mistakes, just add, “I’m sorry…”

Mistake #6: Keeping Score

If you’re tracking every mistake or emotional debt, you’re treating the relationship like a scoreboard instead of a partnership. Scorekeeping creates competition and breeds resentment, turning love into a series of transactions.

Keeping score belittles your partner and ends the possibility of ever putting the past behind you. This relationship communication strategy is as close as you can get to a checkmate—game over.

What To Do Instead:

Shift your mindset from tit-for-tat to shared investment. Talk about patterns instead of individual slights, and ask your partner what they need to feel more supported.

If your relationship communication strategy is to keep score, you can break this habit by asking for amends (or offering them). When an agreement has been broken, trust must be reestablished. Once apologies are accepted and amends have been completed you must create a new habit of letting go of old grudges. Your goal must be connection, not victory.

Mistake #7: Shutting Down Instead Of Staying Present

Emotional withdrawal, stonewalling, or completely shutting down during conflict might feel like self-protection, but to your partner, it appears like abandonment. Silence and avoidance can do as much damage as words.

Leaving your partner to fill in the blanks and assume what’s going on with you can undermine confidence in the relationship. This relationship communication strategy fosters disconnection and can doom a relationship overnight.

What To Do Instead:

If you need space to regulate your emotions, name it clearly and commit to returning for repair within a specified timeframe. Try: “I feel overwhelmed and I need some time to gather my thoughts. Can we please reconnect in 30 minutes so we can talk calmly?”

Your presence doesn’t mean you have to have all the answers, it means you stay emotionally engaged and communicate.

Mistake #8: Minimizing Or Dismissing Feelings

Telling your partner they’re overreacting or too sensitive doesn’t make the issue go away. It’s disrespectful and devalues their feelings and the relationship. Minimizing emotions leads to escalation in your disagreement and alienates the person you love.

What To Do Instead:

Validate their emotions before you respond. Acknowledge their emotional reality, even if you don’t share it. Say: “It makes sense that you’d feel upset after what happened. I want to understand more about your experience.” Validation doesn’t mean you agree, it means you care enough to listen.

If you get triggered when your partner is triggered, go back and read through the section about being defensive. This bad habit often shows up by dismissing your partner’s experience. Your willingness to call it out, own it, and put effort towards changing is the key to moving through this hurdle together.

Mistake #9: Bottling Up Until You Explode

When you avoid addressing issues in real time, you set the stage for a blow-up. Small annoyances left unspoken often build into disproportionate reactions (this occurs because all emotions compound). This pattern may cause your significant other to feel like they’re walking on eggshells, wondering when the volcano will explode again.

What To Do Instead:

Practice being emotionally authentic in all your communication. Share your feelings often, when you feel good, or anxious, and even when you’re upset. Speaking your truth with a small issue, or upon a first event, keeps the communication manageable.

You don’t have to pick your battles in love because you’re not at war with your beloved. If something is bothering you at a level one out of ten, it’s best to clean it up rather than allowing things to build up. Keep your emotional kitchen sink clean by cleaning up the small issues before they become an overwhelming pile of dirty dishes. Say: “I’d like to share a small issue with you, it’s like an oyster fork. I want to make sure we’re always emotionally connected and there’s nothing between us.”

Mistake #10: Using Guilt Or Comparison To Motivate Change

Statements like “If you really loved me, you’d do this,” or “Why can’t you be more like so-and-so?” weaponize communication. They bypass authentic requests and instead rely on shame and manipulation. These tactics may create short-term compliance, but they destroy long-term connection.

You might be motivated by the stick, but your partner might respond better to a carrot. Opposites attract, so speaking with your partner like you speak to yourself may not be an ideal strategy for healthy relationship communication.

What To Do Instead:

Communicate your desires directly without making it a test of their love for you. Say: “I enjoy visiting your family on the weekends, and I would feel more connected if we could carve out some time just for us. Can we plan something special for next weekend?”

If you haven’t been working on making a direct request, it may feel uncomfortable at first. Practice making requests and don’t expect to always get your way. Loving communication invites collaboration, not coercion.

Real Connection Requires Skillful Communication

Perfection is not required to be a great partner and a good communicator, but practice is essential to make a new skill into a habit. Relationship communication is not mastering scripts—it’s building habits of authenticity, empathy, and repair. Keeping the lines of communication open is the key to overcoming most relationship communication issues.

If you find yourself stuck in a cycle of miscommunication, emotional shutdown, or repeated conflict, don’t despair—you now have the awareness to create change. It’s time to upgrade your relationship communication strategies.

Our book is a step-by-step guide to creating emotional mastery, calming your nervous system, communicating your feelings and making requests. We even share how to turn a conflict into a deeper connection. Order your copy today: Getting It Right This Time.