“Hi Orna and Matthew,
I love the advice you give out on your blog and in your webinars. I’m wondering what you think about texting… is it good or bad? Is it bad for me to text with a guy I like?
Is it okay for me to text a guy I like whenever I feel like it? Or is it better for me to wait for him to reach out first?
I feel great when I see this one guy, but in between dates I feel awkward texting with him. When we actually meet face-to-face the conversation flows, and I don’t know how to get that feeling when we’re just texting. Do you have any advice for me?
Thanks for asking us about texting with a guy you like. A lot of singles (not just you) stress and worry about when to text and how often. With dating apps and in between dates there’s a lot of texting going on and most of it is unnecessary and doesn’t create the connection people hope for.
Texting is not a great way to create rapport so it’s best kept to a minimum. Texting is a very low investment, so if you want to get to know someone a phone call or video chat is a better way to go. Overall texting is ideal for logistics like:
- I’m running 10 minutes late.
- I’m seated at a table in the back.
- I’ve arrived, just parking the car.
More and more, texting is replacing phone conversations and this is where things can get murky, because when you’re just getting to know someone it’s important to have clear communication.
If You’re Texting With A Guy Here Are 5 Things To Keep In Mind:
Respond With Equal Or Slightly Less Than His Text
A love story between two people is like a ballroom dance — one person has to lead. If both people are leading, you’ll end up stepping on each other’s toes and instead of a dance, you’re in a tug-of-war with him. If both people are waiting to follow each other there’s no tug-of-war, but sadly there’s still no dance happening either.
Let the guy lead which means when you respond use roughly equal (or slightly less) than the amount of content he’s sent to you. Allowing a guy to lead and matching his communication style is a way of creating rapport as well as discovering if he’s interested in a relationship with you (not just hanging out for some companionship).
If you’re sending him texts with your thoughts, feelings, and plans, then there isn’t space for him to step up and move the relationship forward. Lean back and wait for him to drive. This way you’ll give him room to reveal his intentions.
The same applies to the amount of time he waits to respond to you. However, in this case, wait about the same amount of time to reply or slightly longer than he did.
By following this rule for texting with a guy you’ll be setting up the energetics of the relationship in such a way that you’ll never have to ask him, “Where’s this going?” because with the right guy, he’ll be showing you every step of the way. You’ll never wonder about his intentions with you.
Ultimately, a guy that wants a relationship with you will pursue you for a relationship. It’s your role as the woman, to let him know the water is warm (if you’re interested in him), and keep in mind you don’t have to follow along, you can always redirect by making a request.
There are many ways for you to text with a guy you like and let him know you’re definitely interested. Continue reading for more ideas…
Ask Questions Rather Than Share About Yourself
Send texts that let him know you’re curious about him. Curiosity is an attractive quality, plus most people like it when someone shows an interest in them. Ask about his favorite ice cream flavor. If he could choose a superpower what would it be? What’s his favorite book that he’s read over the past year?
Use questions to take the conversation from text to a phone call. Texting should never replace a conversation, nor should you get too wrapped up in overanalyzing his responses. Save the getting to know him for when you’re together IRL on a date.
Asking questions can also help you discover more about his lifestyle and what inspires him. This way you’ll begin to discover if the two of you are a values match should things develop further. This is extremely important because having shared values is the key to longevity in relationship.
Unfortunately, you cannot find out a person’s values over a few conversations. You’ll discover his values over time by observing his behavior and how he spends his time, energy, and resources.
Simply asking won’t give you an accurate depiction of a person. For example, no one will tell you they don’t value honesty and they just lied to you five minutes ago. You’ll have to find out as time goes on if his actions match his words.
Keep your text questions light and not too personal. They’re for breaking the ice, not for delving deep into his psyche.
Acknowledge And Appreciate Him When Appropriate
Acknowledgment and appreciation are the fuel a man runs on in relationship. It’s also a great way of letting a guy know you’re interested in him. You can follow up after a date by sending a quick text of appreciation thanking him for the time you spent together.
Keep your text brief and to the point. Do nothing else, and if he responds quickly, delay your response a bit. Leave the ball in his court unless his reply warrants a response.
Don’t be upset if he doesn’t respond right away. If he’s regularly texting you and asking you to see him, don’t worry if he’s not too quick to respond via text. There are a million reasons he may be distracted and not able to reply to you quickly and most of them have absolutely nothing to do with you.
It’s best to have low expectations during the workday. So you can send him a short text during his workday, just don’t be attached to having a text conversation with him while he’s at work.
Just as you want to be with someone who has a full life – you ought to have your life full as well. Send the text, think nothing of it, and if you’re lucky enough to hear back quickly, don’t assume he’s suddenly available for a conversation.
One of the first personal growth books ever written is, The Road Less Traveled by M. Scott Peck. In the book, he goes in-depth into the concept of “Delayed Gratification.” There are many ways to implement this strategy and texting with a guy you like is a great place to implement the strategy of delayed gratification. It will also serve you over time for a lifelong relationship full of love and happiness.
The key to texting with a guy you like is to keep him wanting more. Read on to find out more ways to have him eager to see you again…
Send Enticing Texts With An Ellipsis At The End…
Leaving an open-ended text can be a great way to flirt with a guy you like via text messages. Some people call this an open loop where you send part of your thoughts and don’t finish them allowing him to wonder about the details.
After a great date with a guy send one of these texts:
- I’m still thinking about…
- I’m still smiling about…
- I’m still dreaming about…
When he asks for clarification you respond with one of these:
- The great time we had.
- The great meal we had.
- Our first/last kiss.
The ellipsis leaves space for his mind to fill in the blank. An open loop created by the ellipsis means you’ll be spinning around in his mind for a bit. The more he thinks about you, the more he’s going through the date in his own mind.
You’ll want to be on his mind — so this is a great way to inhabit more of the thoughts up there. You don’t have to share too much. Just short sentences like the examples above leave the door wide open for him to ask you out again (if he hasn’t already).
Attraction and even deep love don’t come with mind-reading powers so share with him what you like and don’t like, and what has you smiling about him.
WARNING: Do not send these texts close together! Wait to respond. Set a timer if you have to because there is nothing sexier than anticipation. If you have it — he has it too. There is a reason we call it sexual TENSION.
Mastering the use of ellipsis in your texting creates excitement so you’re on his mind more often. You’re also letting him know you’re interested without having to take the lead.
Pretend you’re in the passenger seat and have zero access to the controls. Let him drive and discover where he wants to take you. This will tell you everything you need to know about what he’s looking for, and if he’s truly interested in a relationship with you.
Use Text Messages For Logistics Rather Than As A Conversation
Conversations are better in person or on the phone (video chat works too). There’s no tone in texting, so it’s a perfect recipe for creating misunderstanding and can wreak havoc on communication and emotional intimacy. Sending multiple emojis isn’t going to solve the problem.
If you want to have a heart-to-heart, or there’s an issue you want to bring up, or an adjustment you’d like him to make, have the conversation in person or over the phone. You can use texting to arrange a phone call but save the important stuff and anything emotional for when you have an opportunity to communicate in person.
Once you’ve made a bad impression over text, it can take a lot of work to smooth things out. Resist the urge to text when you are upset or angry as you can easily type things you’ll later regret (and they can’t be taken back).
To avoid miscommunication and needless conflict, make a phone call or arrange a time to meet over coffee.
The reality is that your mind tends to fill in the blanks and it can slant things toward the positive or the negative. Don’t overanalyze his texts or how he responds to yours. When you’re face-to-face with someone you have so much more than just their words: tone of voice, vocal inflections, facial expressions, and body language to inform you of intent and meaning.
When those things are missing, and you’re reading a text or an email all you have are the words and nothing else. Your mood can even affect how you perceive the words on the page.
During the dating process, don’t give a stranger the benefit of the doubt. Even the most handsome of strangers don’t deserve this because they haven’t earned it yet. Your heart is a prize to be won over time. Never invest it until someone has earned it.
People show you who they are through their behavior so pay attention to how a guy treats you when you’ve had a miscommunication, or a disagreement, or when you’re upset, and that’s all you’ll need to discover if he is a match for you, or not.
Besides mishaps while texting with a guy, there are many ways to blow it with someone you like. And if you haven’t figured it out on your own by the time you’re 30, it might be time for some professional help. Lasting love is not instinctual like sex is, you may need to discover your hidden blocks to love to find your beloved life partner.
Join us for a complimentary Soulmate Strategy Session. There’s no one-size-fits-all when it comes to lasting love, so if you’re tired of spinning your wheels with dating apps let’s have a call to discuss your map to heal your heart and get the love you want.