“Dear Orna and Matthew,
What should I look for in a true soul partner?
I’ve been around the block a few times, still single over 50 and never married. I’ve been engaged and I tried to make that work, but it didn’t and when/if I ever do get married I want to do that only once.
I do want to share my life with someone, and I think I know what I want, but maybe my focus is on the wrong things. You two are a shining example of what I desire. The love between you two is so strong and palpable. When I see how you look at one another I want that… I want someone to look at me like that even after decades together. So please let me know what I should look for in a true soul partner so I can focus on the right things.
Thanks for reaching out to ask us about what to look for in a true soul partner. The great myth of accidental love is that you’ll find your perfect match one day when you least expect it, and magically you’ll make it last year after year. The myth is all about finding the “right” person (whatever that means).
Nothing in life worth having just magically occurs without any effort. Lasting love is like that too; it requires study, practice, and skills. It’s about becoming the right person so you can select an ideal match to share your life with.
Most people grew up in families where there was either plenty of conflicts or there were cold wars between parents. It’s enough to turn off anyone from the possibility of lasting love. Unfortunately, this myth of accidental love permeates society because you’re brainwashed into thinking that nothing can be done to change your circumstances in love, and that’s just flat-out wrong.
To make matters worse, emotional mastery and conflict resolution aren’t taught in school. People stumble through their personal relationships expecting that if it’s meant to be it will be. You abdicate your power and end up feeling like a little cork bouncing around the big ocean of your love life.
When you’re with your soulmate, there will be some things that drive you batty about them. It’s impossible to avoid when you’re in an intimate relationship with another human being. However, your true soul partner is there to support you to grow toward your highest and best self (and that goes both ways). This is why the skillset for lasting love is an important one to practice and that’s what dating is for.
Your true soul partner won’t be a perfect person (there’s no such thing), but they will be perfect for you. What should you look for in a true soul partner? And how do you know that you’ve found an ideal match? …continue reading to find out:
Here Are 5 Things To Look For In A True Soul Partner
They Want To Know What Makes You Happy
A person who’s interested in a relationship with you will be interested in discovering what makes you tick. They’ll ask questions about you and be curious about your interests and what’s important to you.
They want to know how to make you happier!
Recently one of our clients (a woman nearing 60 and never married) shared the news of her engagement with us. It wasn’t a surprise as the guy she’s engaged to was one of the first men she met online dating during her coaching sessions with us. Early on, he remembered that she had mentioned a particular band she liked, and he purchased tickets to take her to their concert a few months out. He was paying attention, and that made him stand out from the other guys she was seeing.
A true soul partner wants to know how to win your heart. It won’t be a mystery if they’re interested in a future with you — actually, it’ll be obvious.
When your friends and family say, “Just be yourself,” on a date, what they really mean is to be authentic. Be open about what you like and dislike so you can connect with an ideal match. The disagreements that may come from being authentic are going to show up one way or another, so you might as well find out as soon as possible if they’re your true soul partner or not.
They Make An Effort To Honor Your Requests
The person that’s your true soul partner won’t come with mind-reading powers. They won’t magically know that you prefer a seafood restaurant instead of a steak house. Letting someone know what you like, and dislike isn’t just part of getting to know each other, it lays the groundwork so that you can evaluate if the two of you are a values match or not. Requesting a particular kind of cuisine or sharing dietary restrictions is an easy request to make upfront.
Speaking how you feel and making requests allows you to see if they will make an effort to please you. Are they capable of adjusting based on your feedback? Or do they judge your requests and try to convince you to go along with their own desires?
Making requests isn’t a magical tool to get someone to behave the way you want them to. Sharing your likes and dislikes, and making requests offers you the opportunity to see their response and get great feedback on their ability to be flexible for you.
One of our clients was surprised that when she made requests of a guy she met at an event he eventually blurted out, “Oh you want me to be the man!” They both had a good laugh over it, and then he offered to send an Uber to pick her up for a date saying that he wanted her to feel like royalty. This guy realized the kind of man she was looking for and he stepped up to win her over.
Your true soul partner will make an effort to deliver on your needs and wants. Finding that kind of person is like winning the lottery! Stick with the person who makes an effort. And most importantly let them know that their effort counts. Positive feedback from you is more important than reciprocating. Opposites attract so you don’t want to treat a relationship like a tennis match, you don’t want to volley the ball back and forth.
They’re Willing To Navigate Conflict With You
Conflict is inevitable in all relationships; in fact, the second stage of relationship is the Power Struggle Stage. You can’t avoid it and it doesn’t mean that your relationship is going to end, or that this person isn’t right for you. It’s the natural evolution of a relationship so that two people can individuate from each other.
With your true soul partner, conflict serves as a doorway to a deeper connection.
The right person for you will take responsibility for their actions, offer an apology and make amends for their mistakes. Working through conflict together heals the wounds you each have from childhood.
You never have to pick your battles with your soul partner — you’re not at war with them. Rather than overlooking the little things deal with them head-on right at the start of the dating process. Life will always have challenges, and throw you curve balls, but as long as you can each take responsibility for your own triggers you can work things out.
One of the biggest mistakes people make while dating is to downplay disagreements early on, only to discover there are bigger issues down the road. Don’t put on rose-colored glasses and give a stranger the benefit of the doubt. Instead, date with your eyes open and observe and evaluate their behavior. Never allow someone to put you down, criticize, or belittle you.
Your true soul partner will always want to work things out with you no matter how challenging they get. That doesn’t mean that you (or he) won’t ever get triggered. Learning the skillset for lasting love includes knowing how to re-establish connection after a clash.
Matthew often jokes that if he lived with the Dali Lama, he’d still find some of his behaviors annoying. The same is true of your true soul partner. You’ll bump heads with each other over something. The key is that the two of you will exercise new dance steps with one another when needed to find your way back to each other.
It’s essential that you know how to navigate through conflict together as there will always be challenges and curveballs thrown your way as you journey through life together.
You Share The Same Values
When you and your soul partner value the same things it’s easy to find your way back to each other after a disagreement. It’s much easier to build a life together when you have shared values because it’s easy to get back on the same page.
The tricky part about values is that you can’t have an intellectual conversation about values. Well, you can have the conversation and talk all you want but it’s all hypothetical and it won’t actually give you the information you’re looking for. Instead of having deep meaningful conversations over fictional situations, evaluate their behavior through the dating process and pay attention to whether they have the capacity to meet your needs and wants.
Ultimately you discover what someone values by investing time in getting to know them. There is no shortcut here, you simply have to put the time in and pay attention. A person values what they spend their effort and resources on.
We had a client who was already exclusively dating someone at the beginning of our coaching sessions. She is very close with her family, and he told her that family was very important to him. She thought they both valued family. What she didn’t realize was that he didn’t spend much time with his family, and she was never introduced to them.
As she embraced our work together, she realized that they were not a values match. She just didn’t see it because she didn’t know how to evaluate him accurately.
All you need is to have the majority of your values match up — don’t go looking for a 100% match, that’s an unrealistic expectation. As long as you’re a majority match you can find your way back to each other through the rough spots.
They Love & Accept You As Is
Your true soul partner will accept you as you are as if they found you at the As-Is section of Ikea. The person who claims you like you’re their lucky charm is worth holding on to. They won’t try to remake your life; they’ll look for ways to make your life easier and better.
A person that tries to change you isn’t your ideal match. They’re interested in a hypothetical relationship, not one with a real living and breathing human being. You’re allowed to make mistakes and have flaws in a true soul partnership. No person is perfect, so let go of any unrealistic expectations.
When you love someone, you love their imperfections, their silly laugh, or their crooked smile. The right person will love your flaws, they may even see them as the reason you’re so lovable.
Tired of dating Mr. Wrong and not sure where to meet your Mr. Right? Or maybe you don’t know when to hold ‘em or when to fold ‘em and you hang on for too long? If you’re worried that time is running out and a true soul partnership is your ultimate goal, join us for a complimentary Soulmate Strategy Session. We’ll help you create an action plan for the lasting love you desire and deserve so you can spend your life with your true soul partner.