No Chemistry? Here’s How To Get The Chemistry Back Or Know For Sure It’s Time To Walk Away
The beginning of a relationship is incredibly intoxicating. During the initial falling in love stage of relationship you just can’t keep your hands off each other, and your brain is flooded with feel-good chemicals. But what do you do when the excitement wears off and suddenly there seems to be no chemistry between th e two of you? How do you get the chemistry back in a relationship?
All intimate relationships experience droughts of chemistry, particularly when your mundane daily existence together has the two of you in a rut. There is a natural ebb and flow throughout the course of a relationship. But how do you know if you’re just in a rut, or if the spark has gone out for good?
If you are stuck feeling no chemistry with your partner, it’s time to investigate what is going on, and how to get the chemistry back. If you can’t get the spark ignited again it may be time to walk away.
No one wants to be in a long-term committed relationship with no pizzazz. A healthy sex life keeps the two of you connected, helps foster intimacy, and can even reduce stress. When there is no chemistry between you, it can create a feeling of disconnection and be a source of conflict. Plus, the desire to be physically intimate is an important part of a healthy dynamic that keeps the two of you together for the long haul.
All Relationships Go Through Stages
It’s unrealistic to expect that every day together will be one big romantic adventure and there will never be any conflict between the two of you. Being aware of the natural stages that all romantic relationships go through will help guide navigate you through a period of them when there seems to be no chemistry with your partner.
The first stage of relationship is the Romance Stage. The Romance Stage is when your chemistry will be at its most intense. You should feel a strong desire to be with your partner because your brain is literally being flooded with a medley of chemicals including dopamine (pleasure), adrenaline (fight or flight), and norepinephrine (alertness), and makes falling in love such an exhilarating stage.
If you are still in the early months of a relationship and you’re not feeling a strong attraction to your partner, then you might want to reconsider your commitment. The longer the Romance Stage the better chance a relationship has of surviving for a lifetime, as this stage puts gas in the tank of the relationship.
Eventually, the feel-good chemicals will wear off and you’ll enter the second stage of relationship: The Power Struggle Stage.
This stage occurs when the chemical high fades, and your partner no longer appears as perfect. Instead of everything feeling just right, you find yourself in a repetitive pattern of disagreement as each individual fights for their way of doing things. This is a natural individuation process for each person in the relationship.
How you navigate the conflicts of the Power Struggle Stage will help determine whether you feel no chemistry or you keep the flame alive. If you want to know how to get chemistry back in a relationship, then pay attention to how you fight, if you fight, and what you do with a conflict.
You can either use a conflict to create a deeper connection or your disagreements can kill the spark between the two of you.
No couple skips The Power Struggle Stage of relationship! It is a normal progression to have disagreements and conflicts with your partner. They are a completely different person with unique strategies for dealing with stress and communicating their wants and needs. How the two of you handle these disagreements will have a profound effect on your chemistry together.
No Chemistry? Unresolved Conflicts Create Distance And Disconnection
One of the biggest chemistry killers is never resolving your conflicts. Do you have a fight and then when you calm down try to act like it never happened? Or maybe you hold onto your hurts and disappointments and secretly keep score? Avoiding and ignoring conflicts creates an emotional distance between the two of you.
Physical intimacy (especially in a long-term relationship) requires that you feel emotionally safe. If you never do the work to reconnect after a disagreement, and then add on the normal stress of life together, the emotional distance between the two of you can grow and become irreparable. If you’re struggling with no chemistry, look to see if there are unresolved conflicts that need to be addressed.
No Chemistry? Criticism And Judgment Are Making Things Worse
Another aspect of the Power Struggle Stage that can affect your chemistry is when you get critical or judgmental of your partner’s strategies and behaviors. Judgment is one of the biggest blocks to love and whether you are judging yourself or your partner, you’re killing the chemistry between the two of you.
Have you lost respect for your partner and discovered that your desire is decreasing because of it? If you can’t find a way to accept and value your partner, then you’ll struggle to rekindle the chemistry between the two of you.
No Chemistry? The Importance Of Your Differences
There’s an ongoing debate in society about whether you should be with someone who shares your interests or whether opposites attract. In reality, it’s not an either-or proposition. You don’t have to have the same hobbies in order to experience a strong chemical attraction.
Like two magnets, opposite energies are attractive. Ultimately, it’s your differences that create the spark of attraction, not your similarities. The similarities between the two of you help you get along with each other on a daily basis, as well as having activities that you both enjoy together.
Issues occur when you don’t respect your partner’s differences or force your strategies onto them. A relationship can be suffocating when there isn’t room for your differences. Then the Power Struggle is all about controlling who your partner is and how they spend their time. If you can’t respect the differences between you the chemistry and attraction will suffer.
How To Get Chemistry Back In A Relationship
Just because there seems to be no chemistry in your relationship right now doesn’t mean that you are destined to break-up. The good news is that if you are willing to look at your relationship dynamics and make a few mindful changes, you can rekindle the attraction, and experience a renaissance of the Romance Stage.
Sexual Chemistry Requires Emotional Intimacy
Without the ability to talk about your feelings with your partner and to share your vulnerabilities, the chemistry won’t last past the Romance Stage of relationship. Your romantic relationship should be a safe space for you to reveal your true self to your partner and express your wants and needs.
Make time to clear the air from past unresolved conflicts. Do your best to use “I” language and talk about your experience rather than pointing out your partner’s behavior. Create an apology practice and be sure to regularly include forgiveness as a regular ritual between the two of you. As you open your hearts to one another you’ll find that your desire to connect on a physical level increases.
How to get chemistry back in a relationship? Open your heart and you’ll create space to reconnect physically.
The Largest Sexual Organ Is Your Mind
While many are turned on by what they see, smell, or hear, your most powerful erogenous zone is the one between your ears. Pay attention to how you are thinking about your partner. Recall what it was like in the beginning when the chemistry was high and in your mind relive those passionate experiences.
Make a mental list of your partner’s most attractive qualities. Fantasize about you and your partner doing something a little risqué. You’ll find that your physical attraction will be triggered by your mental attention.
How to get chemistry back in a relationship? Use your mind — the most powerful erogenous zone — to reignite your passion.
Break Out Of Your Routine
Routine can be the death of passion. Between work, regular chores, and all the other stresses of daily life, you can find it easier to just relax in front of the TV until it’s time to fall asleep and do it all again the next day. Where are you going to find the time or energy to actually make love?
Ironically, scheduled spontaneity and regular date nights can help you break out of the doldrums. And even if you don’t “get it on” every time, making time to be with each other playing and having fun will keep you engaged in your relationship and out of autopilot.
How to get chemistry back in a relationship? Schedule activities to break out of a rut, and rediscover having fun with each other.
The Importance Of Regular Touch
Couples typically touch each other less the longer they are together, and this can dampen chemistry over time. Regular touch, whether it is holding hands, sharing a foot massage, and kissing, triggers oxytocin in the brain and helps create a stronger emotional bond between you which can overflow into physical arousal.
Back rubs, foot rubs, shoulder rubs – all of these can lead to something more if they become part of your time together. Touch leads to bonding which creates a space for more touch.
How to get chemistry back in a relationship? Make loving touch a part of every day you’re together. You’ll keep the flame alive and create space for more fireworks.
Focus On Appreciation And Gratitude
When you find yourself judging your partner, shift thoughts of criticism or judgment into thoughts of appreciation and gratitude. When you are appreciative, you’ll find that you feel better and the mood for more connection. Avoid talking about chores, work, or relationship issues in the bedroom. Instead, share 5 things you are grateful for about each other every night before you turn the lights out.
How to get chemistry back in a relationship? Focus on the good between the two of you and how you’re each better together than apart.
Part of the doldrums is imagining you already know what your partner is thinking or how they might react. If you’ve lost curiosity about your partner, then you’re making assumptions which can lead to all kinds of miscommunication and more conflict. Curiosity is an attractive quality. When you are curious about your partner, you’ll feel more attracted to them, and you’ll be more attractive for them.
Experiment with new ways to bring pleasure to each other. View sex as an opportunity to get to know your partner better over time. Staying curious in the bedroom will keep you from falling into a rut.
How to get chemistry back in a relationship? Find ways to stay curious about your partner and let go of your assumptions.
Try Something New
Being open to exploring something new can bring a lot of spice to your relationship. Check out a Tantric Yoga class for couples or look for a video on a couple’s massage. Explore different fantasies with each other. You can even take a cooking or baking class with the intention of creating a romantic meal together. Variety is the spice that creates more chemistry.
Make time for sex by setting the mood for intimacy before TV or work dulls your passion. A light meal along with your favorite music can set the stage for great sex.
How to get chemistry back in a relationship? Be open to new experiences and explore new ways of connecting with each other.
If there seems to be no chemistry between the two of you and you’re afraid that the spark has left your relationship, take action to rekindle the romance in your life. You’ll find that your love can deepen to be more exquisite the longer you are together. And you may discover that the passion you shared at the beginning is shallow compared to the love you experience over many decades with your partner.
If you’re stuck in a power struggle and want to break out of the vicious cycle of having the same fight over and over again download our special report, The 5 Stages of Relationship. Learning the natural course of an intimate relationship will bring you peace of mind and as well as open your heart so you can move through conflicts together rather than grow apart.
About the authors
Orna and Matthew Walters are soulmate coaches and prolific writers about love. Finding love, keeping love, healing from heartbreak, bringing in your beloved and more. They have been published on MSN, Yahoo!, YourTango, Redbook, and have been featured guest experts on BRAVO’s THE MILLIONAIRE MATCHMAKER with Patti Stanger, and as guests with Esther Perel speaking about love and intimacy.