The beginning of a relationship is incredibly intoxicating. During the initial Romance Stage of relationship you just can’t keep your hands off each other, and your brain is flooded with feel-good chemicals. But what do you do when the excitement wears off and suddenly there seems to be no chemistry between you? How do you get the chemistry back in a relationship?

All intimate relationships experience droughts of chemistry, particularly when your mundane daily existence together has you in a rut. There’s a natural ebb and flow throughout the course of a relationship. But how do you know if you’re just in a rut or if the spark has gone out for good?

Has your relationship gone stale and you’re wondering how to get the chemistry back? If you can’t get the spark reignited how do you know if it’s time to walk away?

Chemistry is an essential ingredient for love to last. A healthy sex life keeps the two of you connected, helps foster intimacy, and can even reduce stress. When there’s no chemistry between you, it can create a feeling of disconnection and be a source of conflict. The desire to be physically intimate is an important part of a healthy dynamic that bonds the two of you together for the long haul.

All Relationships Go Through Stages

It’s unrealistic to expect you’ll never experience conflict and that every day will be one big romantic adventure. Understanding the natural stages that all romantic relationships go through can help you navigate through a dry spell.

During the Romance Stage (the first stage of relationship) chemistry is high, and your desire for each other should be strong. Your brain is flooded with a medley of chemicals including dopamine (pleasure), adrenaline (fight or flight), and norepinephrine (alertness), and makes falling in love an exhilarating high.

If you’re still in the early months of a relationship and you’re feeling little to no chemistry, then you might want to reconsider your commitment. The longer the Romance Stage the better chance of survival, as this stage puts gas in the tank of the relationship.

Eventually, the feel-good chemicals will wear off and you’ll enter the second stage of relationship: The Power Struggle Stage.

This stage occurs when the chemical high fades, and your partner goes from appearing perfect to annoying. Instead of it being easy, you find yourself in a repetitive pattern of disagreement as each of you clings to your ego and your way of doing things. This is a natural individuation process for the relationship. No couple skips the Power Struggle Stage.

How you navigate the conflicts of the Power Struggle Stage helps determine whether you keep the flame alive or lose it forever. If you want to know how to get chemistry back in a relationship, then pay attention to how you handle conflict, and if you’re able to resolve it to repair and reconnect.

Handling disagreements has a profound effect on your chemistry together. You can either use a conflict to create a deeper connection, or your disagreements can kill the spark between you.

No Chemistry? Unresolved Conflicts Create Distance And Disconnection

One of the biggest chemistry killers is never repairing after a conflict. After a conflict do you communicate to create connection, or land in a cold war? Or maybe you hold onto hurts and disappointments and secretly keep score? Avoiding and ignoring conflict creates an emotional distance between you.

Physical intimacy (especially in a long-term relationship) requires that you feel emotionally safe. If you never do the work to reconnect after a disagreement, and then add on the normal stress of life together, the emotional distance between you can grow and become irreparable. If you’re struggling with no chemistry, look to see if there are unresolved conflicts that need to be addressed.

No Chemistry? Criticism And Judgment Are Making Things Worse

Another aspect of the Power Struggle Stage that can affect your chemistry is criticism or judgment of your partner’s strategies and behaviors. Judgment is the biggest block to love whether you are judging yourself or your partner, you’re ultimately killing the chemistry between you.

Have you lost respect for your partner and discovered that your desire is decreasing because of it? If you can’t find a way to accept and value your partner, then you’ll struggle to rekindle the chemistry between you.

No Chemistry? The Importance Of Your Differences

Like two magnets, opposite energies are attractive. Ultimately, it’s your differences that create the spark of attraction, not your similarities. The similarities between you help you to get along with each other, as well as having activities that you both enjoy together. Your differences keep mystery and excitement alive.

Issues occur when you don’t respect your partner’s differences, or force your strategies onto them. A relationship can be suffocating when there isn’t room for your differences. Then the Power Struggle is about controlling your partner, and how they spend their time. If you can’t respect the differences between you the chemistry and attraction will suffer and the relationship is doomed.

How To Get Chemistry Back In A Relationship

Just because there seems to be no chemistry right now doesn’t mean you’re destined to break up. If you’re willing to look at your relationship dynamics and make a few mindful changes, you can rekindle attraction, and move on to Stage 3: The Stability Stage (or experience a renaissance of the Romance Stage).

1. Sexual Chemistry Requires Emotional Intimacy

Without the ability to talk about your feelings with your partner and to share your vulnerabilities, the chemistry won’t last past the Romance Stage of relationship. Your romantic relationship should be a safe space for you to reveal your true self and express your wants and needs.

Make time to clear the air from unresolved conflicts. Do your best to be authentic and speak your feelings by owning them. Create an apology practice and be sure to regularly include forgiveness as a ritual you embrace as a couple. As you open your hearts to one another you’ll find that your desire to connect on a physical level increases.

How to get chemistry back in a relationship? Speak your feelings and be vulnerable to create a safe space to reconnect physically.

2. The Largest Sexual Organ Is Your Mind

While many are turned on by what they see, smell, or hear, your most powerful erogenous zone is the one between your ears. Pay attention to how you’re thinking about your partner. Recall what it was like in the beginning when the chemistry was high and relive those passionate experiences in your mind.

Make a mental list of your partner’s most attractive qualities. Fantasize about you and your partner doing something a little risqué. You’ll find that your physical attraction will be triggered by your mental attention.

How to get chemistry back in a relationship? Use your mind — the most powerful erogenous zone — to reignite passion and get your sexy back.

3. Break Out Of A Rut

Routine can be the death of passion. Between work, household chores, and the stress of daily life, you can find it easier to just relax in front of the TV until it’s time to fall asleep and do it all again the next day. Where are you going to find the time or energy to make love?

Ironically, scheduled spontaneity and regular date nights can help you break out of the doldrums. And even if you don’t “get it on” every time, making time to be with each other playing and having fun will keep you engaged in your relationship and out of autopilot.

How to get chemistry back in a relationship? Schedule activities to break out of a rut, and rediscover having fun with each other.

4. The Importance Of Regular Touch

Couples typically touch each other less the longer they are together, and this can dampen chemistry over time. Regular touch, whether it is holding hands, sharing a foot massage, or kissing, triggers oxytocin in the brain and helps create a stronger emotional bond between you which can overflow into physical arousal.

Back rubs, foot rubs, shoulder rubs — all of these can lead to physical intimacy when these activities are often part of your time together. Touch leads to emotional bonding, which creates a space for more physical connection.

How to get chemistry back in a relationship? Include physical touch as part of your routine together. You’ll keep the flame alive and create space for fireworks in the bedroom.

5. Focus On Appreciation And Gratitude

If you’re judging your partner make a conscious effort to shift those critical thoughts to appreciation and gratitude. Coming from gratitude you’ll find that your mood is lifted, and you’ll desire more emotional and physical connection. Avoid talking about chores, work, or relationship issues in the bedroom (particularly before turning the lights out to go to sleep). Instead, share 5 things you are grateful for about each other every night before you turn the lights out.

How to get chemistry back in a relationship? Focus on the good between you and how you’re each better together than apart.

6. Stay Curious

Part of the doldrums is imagining you already know what your partner is thinking or how they might react. If you’ve lost curiosity about your partner, then you’re making assumptions which can lead to all kinds of miscommunication and more conflict. Curiosity is an attractive quality. When you are curious about your partner, you’ll feel more attracted to them, and you’ll be more attractive to them.

Experiment with new ways to bring pleasure to each other. View sex as an opportunity to get to know your partner better over time. Staying curious in the bedroom keeps you from falling into a rut.

How to get chemistry back in a relationship? Find ways to stay curious about your partner and let go of your assumptions.

7. Try Something New

Being open to exploring something new can bring a lot of spice to your relationship. Check out a Tantric Yoga class for couples or look for a video on a couple’s massage. Explore different fantasies with each other. You can even take a cooking or baking class with the intention of creating a romantic meal together. Variety is the spice that creates more chemistry.

Make time for sex by setting the mood for intimacy before TV or work dulls your passion. A light meal along with your favorite music can set the stage for great sex.

How to get chemistry back in a relationship? Be open to new experiences and explore new ways of connecting.

If there seems to be no chemistry between you and you’re afraid that the spark has left your relationship, take action to rekindle the romance in your life. You’ll find that your love can deepen to be more exquisite the longer you’re together. And you may discover that the passion you shared at the beginning is shallow compared to the love you experience over many decades with your partner.

If you’re stuck in a power struggle and want to break out of the vicious cycle of having the same fight over and over again download our special report, The 5 Stages of Relationship. Learning the natural course of an intimate relationship will bring you peace of mind and as well as open your heart so you can move through conflicts together rather than grow apart.