“Dear Orna and Matthew,
I need your help! Should I choose my twin flame or should I give this other guy a chance?
A guy I thought was my twin flame recently showed back up in my life. Years ago he broke my heart and I’ve done a lot of work to forgive him for what happened. Part of me has always wondered what if?
The problem is there is a guy at work who I’ve started dating. He’s a great guy and I can tell he’s crazy about me. There’s no issue about dating someone at work because we’re in completely different departments. A lot of my colleagues and friends think he’s really good for me and I can see what a stand-up guy he is.
The thing is, even though he’s good looking, I don’t feel that attracted to him. When I think about being with a man for the rest of my life, I really want to be turned on by him. Then I think about what you share about breaking patterns, so maybe I ought to give this guy a chance?
My twin flame romance was full of passion, but also a lot of drama. He says he’s changed but I just don’t know…
Do you think I should give this guy from work a chance or would I just be wasting my time (and his too)? Or should I get back together with the man I thought was my twin flame and hope he’s really changed?
Thank you for reaching out for help. Being stuck between two men can make you feel as if you’re stuck between a rock and a hard place. Giving yourself an either/or decision may not be the best approach in your current circumstances. Very few personal decisions are black and white, most are in the grey. Let’s start off by creating some wiggle room for you to be more resourceful.
Your soulmate (or twin flame) will be an ideal match for you – so he will be “good for you.” He will also be someone that you’re attracted to. Just because someone is a good person doesn’t make him a great match for a lasting romantic partnership with you. Also, just because you feel an intense attraction to someone doesn’t make him your twin flame.
Your situation reveals more about what’s going on inside of you than it does about either of these men. And the answer to your question lies inside of you and is also not about these men or which one you should choose.
Contrary to popular belief long-lasting love doesn’t have to be a gamble like buying a lottery ticket and hoping you’ll win the jackpot. We’re assuming that you’re looking for a lasting loving partnership, not just another boyfriend.
Your Outer Circumstances Are Revealing An Inner Conflict
The situation you find yourself in speaks to a deeper conflict within you. If you find that you consistently end up seeing only TWO kinds of men – those who are “good guys” with no spark of attraction, and those that you are hot for, but for other reasons are not good relationship material that means you’re stuck in a double bind.
A double bind is an internal conflict where two parts of you desire what appears to be opposing things. As long as these two parts are at odds, you’ll remain stuck. A common double bind we often see in our clients is when a person desires personal freedom and also desires a romantic partner. They have a limiting belief that they have to give up their personal freedom in order to have a relationship.
With a double bind, neither choice is ideal, and you’ll feel stuck and unsure of how to resolve the issue. It’s like you’re arm wrestling yourself and you’re equally strong on both sides so neither side can win or lose – you’re at a draw.
To Get Unstuck, You Must Resolve The Inner Conflict
The first step in moving on from a double bind is to understand the nature of your behavior. At its root, all behavior has positive intent. Even behaviors and strategies that frustrate you and cause issues in your life are trying to get you something you need or want.
The part of you that is pushing you to make the sensible choice and stay with the nice guy and the part that feels drawn to the drama and passion of the guy you believe to be your twin flame are both trying to get you something you need. Right now, it feels like those needs are in conflict with each other.
The key is to move beyond the two choices and discover the higher need that you’re attempting to fulfill. Whether it’s love, passion, joy, or something else, this higher need is what your heart truly desires, and you may be able to get it from one of these two men or you may need to move past both for an ideal long-lasting love relationship.
Until you resolve this inner conflict you’ll feel stuck in this situation worried and struggling to make the right decision. Taking an entirely new approach to love will break this pattern and free you from the double bind.
Your Head And Your Heart Must Be In Harmony
Right now, your head and your heart are at odds with each other. Your head wants to do what’s reasonable and your heart wants to choose feeling good (not realizing that all emotions are temporary). Neither of these options is going to be fulfilling. Your head will give you security with very little passion, while your heart will lead you down the road back to drama and heartbreak.
Objectively looking at these two options reveals why neither is enough for love to last.
You Can’t Settle For A Lifetime
Your head wants you to settle and when you settle you end up marrying the “should” guy.
“I should marry him, he’d make a great dad.”
“I should marry him, my friends and family love him.”
“I should marry him, he is crazy about me.”
“I should marry him, he’ll never cheat.”
“I should marry him, _____(fill in the blank) _____.”
It may seem sensible to choose a good man who will be a good provider for you and your family. But life will inevitably throw challenges at you and just because your partner is a good person doesn’t mean that will be enough to get you through those challenges together. Marrying your best friend may sound sensible, but when the two of you are in conflict there is no passion and connection to keep the two of you together.
The spark of chemistry is an essential ingredient when it comes to lasting love. It is the fuel in the tank of the relationship that allows you to find your way through the trials and tribulations that will inevitably show up when you share your life with someone.
Attraction Is Only One Ingredient Of A Healthy Relationship
If there are 10 things that are required for love to last, attraction is only one of those 10. You can be attracted to someone you describe as “my twin flame” who is out of integrity, who may cheat on you, or lacks the ability to fight fair during a conflict. Attraction is not a magical crystal ball that sees the future and lets you know he’ll make a good life partner.
Attraction alone is not something that you can count on over time, because all your feelings change — they are temporary. In a long-term relationship, you will experience many different feelings for your partner. The myth that the “right” person will just show up one day and love will be easy gets in the way of far too many people who desire lasting love for a lifetime.
You’ll want to partner with someone who values the same things as you, who gets you, who can communicate clearly, who wants to win your heart and make you happy. Attraction guarantees none of these qualities. Even though attraction on its own isn’t enough for love to last, its not something you can sacrifice and go without.
Romance Doesn’t Come With Drama
The notion that your twin flame will complete you like he’s your other half that’s been missing is a fallacy. This would create a co-dependent relationship rather than a healthy interdependent dynamic. What if your twin flame is the man you’re attracted to AND stands by your side? If your relationship pattern is only finding men attractive when you can’t be with them – that’s an internal problem.
Wanting what you cannot have is appealing to authors and screenplay writers as their job is to create a dramatic and compelling storyline. The idea of star-crossed lovers goes back even further in time than Shakespeare’s Romeo And Juliet.
Society is obsessed with the notion that romance is equal to overcoming obstacles and drama. This couldn’t be further from what is truly romantic.
When you see an elderly couple holding hands as they cross the street you know nothing of the circumstances that brought them together, nor what they have endured, however, it’s still romantic seeing them together.
Lasting Love Is A Choice
No two people are destined to be together, it’s a decision two people make. Maybe the man you describe as my twin flame has changed and is ready to give you what you need. Maybe you’ll develop an attraction for the good guy at work and the two of you will make it last. There’s no way to predict which of these guys is right for you, or even if there is some other guy who will be a better match down the road.
A better choice is to discover your own hidden blocks to love. Once you identify and transform them you’ll be in a better position to select an ideal match for you, rather than leave your love life up to chance.
Take A New Approach To Creating Love
Let go of the either/or choice in front of you and discover about yourself instead. What if you dated both men (and others as well) and used this current situation to gain clarity on your wants and needs? The most important relationship is the one you have with yourself.
Dating is a selection process that most people have no clue how to utilize for a great advantage.
Instead, most people suffer through countless dates until they meet a person they have sparks with, throw everything else out the window, and jump head-first into a relationship.
What if you used the dating process to discover more about yourself?
You could certainly agree to go on a date with your ex. On that date, focus on yourself and how you feel. Do you find yourself triggered into old thought patterns or are you able to stay present?
Compare this by going on a date with the guy from work. Are you more comfortable and able to be present to your feelings, speak authentically, and make requests with this guy that you don’t feel attracted to?
Go on dates with other men as well and compare how you feel and notice your behaviors. Observe yourself like a detective or a scientist and simply pay attention to your feeling state and your inner dialog (what you say to yourself about yourself) without any judgment. Better yet, be compassionate with yourself and simply notice your feelings. See if you can just be okay with your current feeling state and take note of any patterns that recur.
Dating a lot of different people will give you a lot of data to work with to discover things about yourself and the kind of relationship you desire that no other exercise will give you.
Your twin flame is the person who chooses you that you also choose. You can’t say or do the wrong thing with the right person. If they are your beloved the two of you will figure it out together.
If you’d like expert help to deliver your big breakthrough to lasting love, you can apply for a complimentary Soulmate Strategy Session with us by clicking here. During this session we’ll give you a custom plan for creating the long-lasting love you desire.