“Hi Orna and Matthew,
I hope you can help me figure out why soulmate relationships are difficult. It seems that whenever I have a great connection with a man I am easily triggered, and I overthink everything.
Being in my 40s I’ve been around the block; I know relationships take work. I just wonder why the deeper the connection the more I seem off-kilter. Perhaps I should be with a completely different kind of guy than I think?
Curious about your thoughts on this. I am a long-time reader of your blog.”
All relationships take work, but a soulmate relationship is different. It should be easy in the beginning. Your connection feels comfortable, and you can relax around each other. If your relationship is causing you to be triggered, then maybe it’s not your soulmate. There could be something entirely different going on.
Let’s look at the reasons why soulmate relationships are difficult and see if you can get some insight into your current situation.
5 Reasons Why Soulmate Relationships Are Difficult
A Soulmate May Not Be What You Think
A soulmate relationship isn’t short-lived. It will last, even if you go through difficulties, you grow together rather than apart. Ultimately, a soulmate is a person that you choose again, and again, just as they choose you again, and again.
Here’s why soulmate relationships are difficult: Because of unrealistic expectations!
Hope is the first thing that comes into a relationship (usually the moment you lay eyes on their profile pic) setting up unrealistic expectations for marriage. If you’re gambling on chemistry or an intense connection, you may miss the red flags that this person is not for you long-term.
The myth of love by accident has everyone believing when you meet the “right” person that everything will just magically work out.
Author Elizabeth Gilbert created a lot of confusion in her mega best-selling memoir, Eat Pray Love when she wrote:
“People think a soul mate is your perfect fit, and that’s what everyone wants. But a true soul mate is a mirror, the person who shows you everything that is holding you back, the person who brings you to your own attention so you can change your life.
A true soul mate is probably the most important person you’ll ever meet because they tear down your walls and smack you awake. But to live with a soul mate forever? Nah. Too painful. Soul mates, they come into your life just to reveal another layer of yourself to you and then leave.
A soul mates purpose is to shake you up, tear apart your ego a little bit, show you your obstacles and addictions, break your heart open so new light can get in, make you so desperate and out of control that you have to transform your life.”
This couldn’t be further from the truth. It seems that Gilbert confused a soulmate with a soul contract.
We believe you have agreements with other souls and some of those are played out in the light, and some are played out in the dark. This is NOT a soulmate relationship at all, but rather someone who is here to move you forward toward your soul’s purpose.
The journey in Eat Pray Love is one of spiritual awakening, and often heartache is the catalyst that sets people off on this pilgrimage. A soulmate relationship can provide a soft landing after such an arduous journey, as it’s only after you find yourself that you can expect to find your soulmate.
A Soulmate Relationship Does NOT Complete You
Another reason why soulmate relationships are difficult is that people expect their partner will somehow complete them and be the key to their everlasting happiness.
This myth about soulmates permeates throughout popular culture in songs, books, movies, and poems. Most notably, in Jerry Maguire when Tom Cruise’s character tells Renee Zellweger’s, “You complete me,” at the movie’s climax.
Somehow co-dependence has been romanticized since the dawn of time. In Shakespeare’s Romeo & Juliet, the two star-crossed lovers cannot live without each other.
Quite the contrary is correct: when you feel whole and complete you can come together with another whole and complete person to create a healthy, lasting soulmate relationship.
If you are expecting that your life partner will magically make you happier or fill the empty space inside of you, then you will be destined to have heart-wrenching relationships that leave you wanting more.
Soulmate relationships are difficult because you must take responsibility for your actions and behavior – there is nowhere to hide, and no one to blame.
Your bad mood is yours and yours alone. Your triggers belong to you. You are ultimately responsible for your own happiness. In a soulmate relationship, each person takes responsibility rather than places blame. The masterclass of personal growth is done in an intimate relationship with a soulmate partner. You inspire each other to become the best versions of yourself day after day, year after year.
Most People Are Conflict Avoidant
Taking personal responsibility can be a daunting task especially when the majority of people are conflict avoidant.
Another reason why soulmate relationships are difficult is that most people assume their partner will handle conflict in the same way they do. But your partner will be a completely different human being than you, with different strategies, mental/emotional patterns, and beliefs.
For love to last you must learn the skillset to turn a conflict into a deeper connection.
Just as you have challenges when you’re single, you’ll also have them when you’re coupled off. Yes, even with your soulmate! It’s not that you should seek out conflicts, it’s knowing what to do with them when they arise.
Learning to repair and reconnect is the key that keeps couples together over time. It’s common for discord to happen when you’re not connected to each other, and the conflict arises as an opportunity to reconnect.
If you don’t deal with conflicts (from tiny to extra-large), they become landmines in your relationship. It’s always best to deal with issues as they occur. There is no shame in seeking professional help. It should be commonplace because good relationship skills are not instinctual, they are learned.
A Soulmate Relationship Requires You To Be Authentic
When you meet your soulmate, you don’t naturally develop mind-reading powers. Another reason why soulmate relationships are difficult is the expectation that your soulmate will intuit your needs.
This unrealistic expectation puts a lot of pressure on your partner. There is no magical person who understands you without you having to say anything. A soulmate relationship requires you to speak up and be authentic.
Sharing how you feel and what you need is the foundation of a loving partnership, and a soulmate relationship is no exception. Since your partner doesn’t have mind-reading powers – it’s important that you speak up and say what you do and don’t like as well as make requests.
Loving someone requires that you take a risk and share your authentic self. When you embrace your authenticity and speak your truth when you’re dating, you will find a person who accepts you as you are and doesn’t want to change you (and you feel the same about them).
A soulmate relationship is one where you accept each other “As Is,” and that only happens when both people show up authentically.
Soulmate Relationships Are Designed To Heal Your Wounds
The wounds you carry from not being loved exactly as you would’ve liked in childhood will always be with you. These trigger points will match up with your soulmate’s, like puzzle pieces that fit together.
A soulmate relationship is here to heal your childhood wounds. You’ll still be triggered from time to time, as well as your soulmate. Together you’ll heal one another’s fears and stick by each other. Choose to love one another despite the triggers and conflicts that arise.
Another reason why soulmate relationships are difficult is that it’s all too easy to call it quits when the journey gets rough. Divorce is no longer taboo, and couples throw in the towel too easily.
Unfortunately, wherever you go there you are. You’ll end up dealing with the very same issues with the next person. Your wounds belong to you and no one else, and your soulmate will be willing to work through those triggers with you again and again. They will become the balm for your battered heart.
A soulmate relationship is not destined or fated. It requires two people who are committed to each other, and never give up. They know they are better together rather than apart.
Soulmate relationships are difficult because they will challenge you to step up and become the best version of yourself. The effort you put into your relationship is worth it because the rewards are a lifetime of love and happiness that grows over time.
Based on your question, you may be confused about whether these men you’re dating are soulmates. They may be a match to your childhood wounds and that’s why you are triggered and feel off-kilter. These men are likely a match to Your Love Imprint® and not a soulmate at all!
So, how do you know if the man you’re dating has what it takes to be your soulmate? Look for these signs that he is worthy of you and capable of creating a soulmate relationship with you.
5 Signs You’ve Found Your Soulmate Relationship
It’ll Be Easy In The Beginning
The first stage of a relationship is the Romance Stage. This “falling in love” stage is very intoxicating. When you are with your soulmate it will feel easy. There won’t be a lot of drama between you. It will feel magical and special – like you’ve met a long-lost friend whose clothes you can’t wait to rip off.
The chemical high causes blindness of each other’s faults, like you have on rose-colored glasses. You can navigate any conflicts in a thoughtful and caring way. The ease of the relationship creates a feeling of safety and security.
In a soulmate relationship, the Romance Stage will last a long time. Your love will feel new and the two of you will feel like young lovers no matter your age.
You’ll Share The Important Things In Life
Your soulmate may not like the same kind of music or hobbies as you, but when it comes to what’s important in life, you’ll be on the same page. You’ll value the same things, have similar life goals, and share a vision of the future together.
In a soulmate relationship, you’ll support each other in achieving individual aspirations and create the space for each of you to blossom. You may have different strategies for achieving those goals, but you will respect each other’s differences and defer to one another’s strengths.
In a soulmate relationship, you’ll easily work as a team to create a life together.
You’ll Accept Each Other As Is
Just because your soulmate will inspire you to grow doesn’t mean they need you to change. Your soulmate will accept you as you are and may love your imperfections as much as your strengths.
Your differences will become the foundational strengths of your relationship. You’ll balance each other energetically and emotionally. Instead of competing, you’ll celebrate each other’s successes and mourn each other’s losses.
Overall, a soulmate relationship will be filled with ease. You’re relaxed because you’re accepted as your authentic self.
You Fight For The Relationship
A soulmate relationship won’t be without conflict, but you’ll find yourself fighting for the relationship instead of each other. You’re both willing to work through your differences so that you can thrive.
There’s an understanding that by coming together you’re creating a new entity: the relationship. Both of you will put effort into keeping it healthy so it flourishes. Your relationship will be balanced energetically, and both of you with give and receive equally.
In a soulmate relationship, you’ll keep growing together, and your love for each other will deepen with each passing year.
You Both Choose Love
Through the challenges and curveballs life throws your way, you will face them together, and you’ll choose to navigate them in a loving way. You’ll communicate with respect, be on the same team, and be an ally to each other. Choosing love means that even during a conflict you don’t withhold love.
Soulmate love requires making a conscious choice be loving. Whether you’re considering that your partner is having a bad day, or your partner is encouraging you to have that uncomfortable conversation with a friend, the two of you are consciously choosing to be loving and kind to each other.
In a soulmate relationship, you’ll both want to reduce each other’s stress and anxiety, not add to it. Ultimately, the two of you are in it to win it – no matter what. The relationship is always a priority.
If you’re tired dating apps, short term relationships that go nowhere, and you want to share your life with a soulmate book a complimentary Soulmate Strategy session with us and we’ll give you a custom plan for creating the love you want.