My Heart Is Broken
This week’s question comes from Monika:
“Hi Orna and Matthew,
My heart is broken. I’m crushed… once again it did not work out. I felt like I gave him everything. I moved to his state after the two of us going back and forth for a couple years.
Then I felt like I had given up too much and felt angry and resentful that I changed my entire life to only be let down. Miraculously, we stayed together… I moved back to my “home.” The long story short… it’s over now. He told me that he could never give me what I really want.
After all these years together I continually assured him that all I wanted was HIM! So I felt like not enough. Now more than ever I wonder if I will ever find a love that lasts.
It seems I only get brief spurts of love, but not what it looks like the two of you have. When I see the two of you, it’s clear – YOU BOTH LOVE EACH OTHER! I want that too.
My heart is broken; please help.”
Thank you for reaching out to us even through the pain you’re feeling with your broken heart. Breaking up is hard – whether it’s been months or decades – all break-ups suck.
The bad news is that there is no quick way to get over the pain. The only way out is through. When your heart is broken, you cannot be in a rush to just feel better. Take this time to heal your heart so that on the other side you’ll become a new and improved version of yourself.
Instead of getting stuck blaming yourself or him, take this time to heal your heart and resolve to take a new approach to love the next time.
We look at life from the perspective that everything is working out for your highest good. Even the bad things that happen can be a doorway to something better. That is not always easy to see at first, or what you may want to hear right now, but if you follow our advice we know that you can find the long-lasting love you desire.
What To Do When Your Heart Is Broken:
Feel All Of Your Feelings
That crushing feeling that has you saying, “My heart is broken” is there to inform you of what is going on with you and to guide you about what to do next. Your feelings are signals that there is something for you to pay attention to. Sometimes the signal is strong and powerful and sometimes the feeling is more subtle. When you give attention to your feelings instead of avoiding them or numbing them out, you discover a path to understanding your humanness.
When your heart is broken, it breaks open to hold more love.
The tough part is that you must feel all of those feelings that you don’t want to. Remember, its just emotion and feeling your feelings will absolutely not kill you or harm you.
Keeping your emotions stuffed down and putting on a brave face however can create dis-ease in the body.
No doubt you’ve heard the saying, “What you resist persists.” Well, it’s most certainly correct when it comes to emotions. You cannot resist the pain you are feeling or you will prolong the pain.
You’re going through a grieving process. It could take a long time or no time at all. That all depends on you, and you cannot skip over it. Take the time to feel all of your grief, anger, sadness, hurt, and whatever else comes up. By taking the time to feel all of it, you’re allowing the emotion to flow and to transform into something else.
Emotions are like ocean waves. As each wave crashes into the shore, it then recedes back into the ocean only to be replaced by another wave. Feeling your feelings allows your emotions to flow and recede and to be replaced by a new emotion.
You came here as spirit to feel the full range of human emotions. Feel them, welcome them, immerse yourself in them. It’s the fastest easiest way to connect to yourself.
Remember, the most important relationship you’ll ever have is the one you have with yourself. So even feeling badly when your heart is broken can do you some good by simply being connected to yourself and your current state.
Be intentional about your grief. Schedule time in your calendar to feel and express your feelings when you are alone. Listen to sad songs, cry into a bath, scream into a pillow, and let your emotions flow and be replaced by something new. Doing this will also ensure that you don’t fall apart at the office or on the job and keep you functional out in the world.
Feeling anger and resentment when your heart is broken is a common trap. It can become poison to your happiness.
Once you have allowed yourself to feel all the icky feelings and moved through them, you are ready to start a practice of forgiveness. We suggest that you don’t rush past your feelings in order to forgive.
Forgiveness is ultimately for you. You forgive yourself and others because you want to live a happy and fulfilling life, and to open up to feel joy again. Holding onto the past will keep you tethered to the past along with all the hurts and disappointments you have experienced.
Cut the cords to the past by forgiving yourself for the choices you made. You made those choices under the hope that this relationship would last. You desired happiness and you used the best strategies you had available to you at the time.
Forgive him for the choices he made by cutting the cords that connect you energetically to him. Releasing him in this way allows you to accept that you two are not a match.
When your heart is broken, forgiveness allows you to put the past behind you and frees your heart to love again. The next step is to discover The Golden Nugget Of Learning™ which will give you the insights you need to release any remaining attachments to him.
Kill The Hope
Hope is the first thing to enter a relationship and the last thing to leave. An important part of the grieving process is to kill the hope that this relationship will work out in the future.
We know this sounds harsh and kind of cruel. It’s not meant that way. It’s just that when you decide it’s over you can grieve and move on. Otherwise, you keep yourself in limbo wishing and hoping that he’ll come back to you.
If he does come back you can address that then. Otherwise, release the fantasy because ultimately it is a distraction from your broken heart. Your heart may heal to a place where you’ve moved past him and you may discover that you don’t want him anymore.
Pining for lost love can prolong the grief by years. Time is your most precious resource. Don’t waste it wishing things were different. Accept that this relationship is over and kill the hope. Your heart will heal more quickly and you’ll open yourself up for new love.
So for now focus on killing the hope by changing his name in your phone to: Do Not Answer. You will follow directions from yourself. Do this when your heart is broken so that you have time to heal. (Do not just delete his contact from your phone to avoid answering it at some point in the future.)
Unfriend, block, and disconnect from him on all social media. It will do you no good to go searching to see if he’s posted an update. Your goal is to heal and move on. When your heart is broken you don’t need any salt poured into the wound.
Do not entertain thoughts that include elements of fantasy.
Be a master of your own mind and turn your attention away from your thoughts toward your body sensations and emotions.
When your heart is broken the fastest way to feel better is to kill the hope of reconciliation.
Take Time To Evaluate Your Choices
When your heart is broken and you’ve taken time to grieve, it’s good to look back on the choices you made getting into the relationship and through its duration.
Doing this requires you to simply look at the facts without judgment. Being critical at this juncture doesn’t support your healing, but viewing your actions as if they were your best friend’s might give you a better perspective so you can make some changes for the future.
One important question to ask yourself is: Did you go into sacrifice?
Women more often than men tend to sacrifice what they require in relationship and attempt to go without their needs being met.
Ultimately, lasting love does not come from being in sacrifice. The only thing that comes from sacrifice is anger and resentment.
Just like on an airplane when the flight attendant explains that if cabin pressure should drop, masks will fall from the ceiling and if you’re with someone who needs assistance put your own mask on first. If you cannot breathe you cannot help someone else breathe.
Thinking that you can be enough for someone to feel better about himself is a recipe for disaster.
You are the only person in charge of your own happiness. No one will come into your life and love you more than you love yourself. The issue is most people have no clue how to implement self-love, or misunderstand the concept entirely.
Self-love is a practice. You could think of it as a ritual, a habit, a custom – and these things that you do are not a chore or something you do until “the guy” shows up in your life. In fact, continuing your self-love practices while in a relationship are an excellent way to keep your intimate relationship healthy and balanced.
Take Time For Yourself
If your heart is broken taking time for yourself in new ways is a very healing thing to do. You can sign up for a class to learn a new skill or hobby you’ve always wanted to try.
Spend time with yourself doing things that really excite you and light you up. Taking new actions will create new feelings. As you go out into the world you will meet new people and create new connections and friends.
Love is a verb. Taking time for yourself you can put love into action in a whole new way that will benefit your healing process. Now that you’re on your own you don’t have to compromise. You can do things exactly as you wish.
Find ways to indulge in your choices about how you spend your time, sleep in your bed, or the food you choose to eat.
Making yourself your #1 priority is a great way to upgrade your relationship with yourself.
Know That You’ll Love Again
When you are heartbroken it can feel like you’ll never find love again. Or you may wonder why you would ever want to partner up again.
The best description we’ve found that explains why humans ought to partner up is a Swedish Proverb that says this:
Shared Joy Is Double Joy
Shared Sorrow Is Half Sorrow
Your life will be better in the future and you will be able to love again. Perhaps a change in how you select a partner is in order? When is the last time you updated your dating strategies?
Once the pain of your broken heart has healed enough you’ll want to imagine what you truly desire from a lifelong partner. Before you ever start dating again it’s good to know what you’re looking for. Otherwise, it’s like going on a road trip without a destination in mind.
Most people simply date until they meet someone that sparks all the good feelings… then they are surprised that it doesn’t work out.
The one thing you can rely on is that your feelings will change! Feelings alone are not a good indicator that the person is a good match for you.
Just as we started mentioning how important it is to feel your feelings of grief, it is just as important that you feel those good feelings at the start of a relationship.
That chemistry spark is important – it serves a purpose – to fill your tank so you can get through the 2nd Stage Of Relationship – the Power Struggle Stage.
Don’t ever get stuck saying, “My heart is broken” again! Take time to select an ideal mate based on more than just good feelings. Choose someone who shares your values, who can communicate his feelings, and who wants to make you happy.
We can guide you to create love in a whole new way. Join us for a complimentary Soulmate Strategy Call and we can point out the path to the soul-satisfying love that you crave.
About the authors
Orna and Matthew Walters are soulmate coaches and prolific writers about love. Finding love, keeping love, healing from heartbreak, bringing in your beloved and more. They have been published on MSN, Yahoo!, YourTango, Redbook, and have been featured guest experts on BRAVO’s THE MILLIONAIRE MATCHMAKER with Patti Stanger, and as guests with Esther Perel speaking about love and intimacy.