Are We Compatible? How Relationship Compatibility Contributes To Lasting Love

Relationship compatibility is often touted as the key to lasting love, but if you’re asking, “Are we compatible?” are you focusing on what’s important for lasting love, or are you stuck on the superficial?

You’ll want to know you’re a good match for lasting love before you commit your heart. No sense in having just another short-term relationship, right? Dating burnout can come from dedicating your heart too quickly and then having to start over from scratch. Wouldn’t it be great to have a checklist of criteria that could determine your relationship compatibility before you take any vows?

Unfortunately, just because your zodiac signs are compatible, or your numerology, or you know one another’s love languages doesn’t guarantee long-term success. There’s no reliable relationship compatibility test that can predict your union’s success. However, by using discernment along with a fundamental understanding of a healthy, thriving partnership, you can leverage certain criteria that are specific to you to make a good choice.

Let’s be clear, love requires risk and if you’re asking, “Are we compatible?” there may be more important questions to ask. Relationship compatibility will only take you so far because your head and your heart must be in harmony to select a lifelong match.

Is Relationship Compatibility A Sign Of Lasting Love?

Having similar interests and hobbies can keep the day-to-day activities of a relationship comfortable. Liking the same kind of music can provide enjoyable dates, and having similar hobbies means more time together.

Unfortunately, none of these similarities will determine if you have chemistry, or if you can repair and reconnect when you disagree. Nor will those similarities guarantee that you share mutual respect and kindness. Relationship compatibility requires much more than liking the same things.

These similarities are qualities that help make a friendship last, but may or may not help in your romantic life. Superficial compatibility by itself is not enough for romantic love to last. Chemistry and attraction are essential ingredients for a lasting intimate relationship, and they stem from your differences rather than your similarities.

Your Differences Are The Source Of Attraction

It’s your differences that create the spark of chemistry. This is built into species survival because sex is instinctual, but long-term monogamous relationships are not, they’re a societal construct.

Coming together with someone who is not like you creates attraction which leads to procreation. Diverse people that have children will have different strengths and weaknesses which increases the likelihood that the family unit will survive.

It’s a fact that opposites attract creating an emotional bond and chemical high of the Romance Stage of relationship. Chemistry gives you the desire to navigate conflict and weather the storms together.

The idea that you should marry your best friend because you’ll be compatible in a romantic relationship is a misnomer. Friendships stem from your similarities, not your differences. The desire for physical intimacy is a necessary ingredient for a romantic relationship, but not a friendship.

You can’t settle for a lifetime — about half of our clients come to us after splitting from their best friend (the only bonus is that they co-parent well together).

Wondering “Are we compatible?” with the focus on your similarities may not be the ideal question to ponder if you want love to last. Relationship compatibility requires the differences between you to create the spark necessary for love to last over time.

It’s the spark of attraction that makes a platonic relationship different from a romantic one.

What Are The Differences That Create Attraction?

  1. Personality Differences Fuel Chemistry

Here’s an example of how important your differences are: if romantic partners are both laid back and easygoing, they may get along well, but won’t have the passion required to grow together. Two very passionate people can create a lot of drama and ultimately exhaust the relationship.

However, pairing up someone easy-going with someone passionate and fiery will complement each other. The passionate partner brings the fire and drive to the relationship while the easy-going partner tempers the conflict.

Introverts find extroverts exciting and enjoy being drawn out of their shell. Extroverts find introverts fascinating and deep; they’re curious about what’s going on inside their partner and enjoy the discovery as well as the challenge.

Think of personality differences like two magnets, the similar sides repel while the opposite sides are drawn together. In a romantic relationship chemistry and desire to be intimate stem from your differences, not your similarities.

The desire to know if you’re compatible with your partner is commendable, just make sure you’re assessing the appropriate data for a long-lasting romantic partnership.

  1. Contrast in Masculine And Feminine Energy

Every individual has both masculine and feminine energy, no matter their gender. You can draw upon your masculine side or your feminine side depending on the situation.

A balance of masculine and feminine energy is required for a romantic relationship to last. The two energies are complimentary like a yin-yang.

Two masculine energies together create the spirit of competition. Masculine energy is active and focused, and the presence of another masculine energy will create a competitive dynamic meant to challenge each other.

Feminine energy is responsive, reactive, and creates community (it’s not passive). Two feminine energies produce a reciprocal friendship where the expectation is that each person will share duties and responsibilities.

Are you compatible with different energies or similar energies?

Attraction and chemistry come from opposing masculine and feminine energies. This dance of masculine and feminine is an exchange between the strengths of both energies. Focusing on superficial relationship compatibility doesn’t consider your natural energetic differences.

  1. Your Heart Archetype™ & Attraction

Scientific non-predictive palmistry, or Hand Analysis has been around for hundreds of years. The premiere text in English was written in 1900.

Rather than predicting your future, the lines of the palm reveal characteristics and a snapshot of your major neural pathways. One line reveals your non-negotiable need in relationship — the thing you need to feel loved by a romantic partner.

Knowing the difference between your needs and your wants in relationship is very useful. You can compromise your desires, but not your requirements.

There is no relationship compatibility in Your Heart Archetype, however the common combinations are always opposing elements. Usually earth types partner with water types, just as it’s common to see air types with fire types.

The intellectual air quality feeds the passionate fire type igniting passion in the relationship. The emotional water type softens the independent earth type to create a deep emotional connection.

Relationship compatibility isn’t just about how your differences fit together like puzzle pieces, there are many factors that contribute to relationship longevity.

Are You Compatible? 3 Keys To Relationship Compatibility

  1. Shared Values And Relationship Compatibility

For a relationship to stand the test of time you must have shared values. Unlike hobbies or interests that are easily apparent, discovering another person’s values takes time. You can’t discover someone’s values through deep meaningful conversations because those only cover hypothetical situations.

You’ll never find someone who’s a 100% match to your values, but a majority match is necessary so you can find your way back to each other after a conflict. You’ll still have miscommunication and disagreements with your beloved.

Couples who stay together through the inevitable challenges that show up can repair, reconnect, and fortify their love because they can get behind a common goal and a shared vision they’ve created. Getting back on the same page is possible because they both value the same things.

Many relationships end in divorce because the partners don’t value the same things and they end up in an endless power struggle draining the intimacy and emotional connection from the relationship.

Through the dating process embrace slow love even when you feel an intense attraction. You’ll need time to figure out if the two of you share the same values before making a lifelong commitment to each other.

The most important time to ask, “Are we compatible?” is when you’re discovering each other’s values.

  1. Mutual Respect And Relationship Compatibility

Respecting the differences in your romantic partnership creates an environment of trust and admiration for each other. The key is to defer to one another’s strengths. One of you might be better at managing money, and the other might be best suited to handling your social calendar. Or maybe one partner is great at organizing the home while the other is gifted at planning and cooking meals.

Whatever your differences in strategy or style might be it’s important to make an effort to respect those differences and defer to the partner that’s best suited for the task.

Differing to one another’s strengths isn’t a skill that’s taught in school, but an important life skill if you wish to share a lifetime with someone. Wondering about your relationship compatibility doesn’t take this necessary skill into account.

  1. Communication And Relationship Compatibility

As plants need soil to grow, a relationship requires communication — without it the relationship will wither and die.  Ignoring conflicts allows them to fester and creates landmines in your relationship. Not being able to communicate kindly or with respect, corrodes trust and affection.

No relationship can survive if one, or both of you, is defensive or stonewalls during a disagreement. Conflict is inevitable (no matter which person you select) so having communication tools that allow for a repair is the key to longevity.

Setting up ground rules for navigating your differences with clear communication is much more important than liking the same kind of music because you’ll always be able to create an emotional connection.

If you spend all your time looking for similarities as if that’s what makes a couple compatible you may be missing out on finding your ideal match. Sharing values, respecting each other, and communication skills will take your relationship much further and create a lasting bond that can last a lifetime.

Invest time in the dating process before going exclusive. Instead discover if you’re able to navigate through conflict by respecting and appreciating your differences.

Tired of giving everything and ending up heartbroken anyway? Do you become a different person when you invest your heart? Not sure if you know the difference between your needs and your wants? Never go into sacrifice again with one private coaching session — discover Your Heart Archetype™ today!

About the authors

Love Coaches Orna and Matthew Walters

Orna and Matthew Walters are soulmate coaches and prolific writers about love. Finding love, keeping love, healing from heartbreak, bringing in your beloved and more. They have been published on MSN, Yahoo!, YourTango, Redbook, and have been featured guest experts on BRAVO’s THE MILLIONAIRE MATCHMAKER with Patti Stanger, and as guests with Esther Perel speaking about love and intimacy.

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