25 Common Sense Questions To Get To Know Someone At A Deep, Soul Level
One of the most enjoyable parts of dating is getting to know someone new and discovering what makes them tick. Asking the right questions to get to know someone can reveal who they are at a soul level, as well as if they are a potential match for you.
The standby of swapping online dating horror or hilarious stories is not an ideal way to connect with someone new. Sharing these experiences doesn’t give you any information about them. Instead, you’ll want to discover what their dreams and goals are, and the kind of lifestyle they are looking to create with their ideal mate.
Most people do not enjoy dating. A recent survey conducted by Style in The Times of London concluded that less than half of women like dating and barely half of men do. Keeping an open mind about meeting new people and releasing unrealistic expectations will help. Having a strategy and the right questions to get to know someone new can take your dating game to a whole new level.
If you want to make a connection with someone you’ve just met, avoid small talk and discussing likes and dislikes. Keeping things on a superficial level isn’t going to create the connection you’re looking for.
Ask questions that are revealing and either create rapport or give you the information you need to deselect the person who is not a good match. Questions about their job or their past dating experiences aren’t going to reveal much about the important things and will keep the two of you from getting to really know each other.
When you want to get to know someone at a deep level, ask questions that engage and draw the person out, even those who may be feeling nervous or shy. It also helps to take the focus off you and your critical inner dialog, easing your own nerves as well. A bonus is that people are attracted to the person who is interested and curious about them.
Let’s look at some common pitfalls and how to replace them with common sense questions to get to know someone and make your first few dates a lot more interesting.
Keep Your Focus On Being Curious Instead Of Evaluating Your Date
Sometimes dating can feel like an exercise in sifting through all the “wrongs” hoping to find your “Mr./Mrs. Right.” Instead, adjust your approach from looking for reasons to deselect the person in front of you, to being curious about this stranger you just met.
Asking questions to evaluate your date can leave the encounter feeling like a job interview. A date isn’t as simple as a pass or fail grade. Staying open and interested in what makes them tick will keep you from getting bored when you are on a date with someone you don’t easily connect with.
Dating doesn’t have to be a chore. It can be a great exercise in discovering about people as well as yourself.
Become a master at asking thoughtful questions and avoiding simple ones that can easily be answered with a “yes” or “no” response that doesn’t leave space for your date to elaborate.
When asking questions to get to know someone, keep your questions open-ended and memorize this phrase to get them to open up, “Tell me more…”
Don’t Try To Cover All Of Your Bases
You’re not looking for questions that will reveal the secret narcissist inside or make sure that the two of you are on the same page about all the issues that are important to you. Trying to cover all your bases to avoid being hurt again is moot. As there are no guarantees, love and dating come with some risk. You’ll want to keep a positive mindset while also holding on to a healthy dose of skepticism.
Dating while also trying to protect your heart ultimately leaves you closed off from creating the connection you are looking for. People are varied and complex and it takes time to really get to know a stranger. Take your time before investing your heart.
You don’t want to present your date with a series of hypothetical situations to see how they might respond. You’re not going to discover if you are a good match by asking, “If the two of us were in a disagreement about how much money to spend on our vacation, how would you try to find a compromise?”
When asking questions to get to know someone, be sure you’re not facilitating a pop-quiz. Instead, look for ways to connect with someone you’re just getting to know.
Asking Direct Questions About What Is Important May Not Reveal What You Hope
Asking someone, “Do you value honesty?” isn’t going to reveal if they have the potential to lie to you or cheat on you. No one would ever answer, “No, I don’t. In fact, I’ve been lying to you all night.”
Ultimately this is another form of testing and evaluating your date to avoid getting hurt. You are not choosing to spend your life with someone after a first, second, or third date. You really shouldn’t even consider going exclusive until you’ve been dating for a few months.
Rushing into exclusivity because you don’t like dating, or because you are afraid he or she will move on to someone else, will cause you to invest your heart in a stranger. Never put your lovability in the hands of someone you do not know.
When asking questions to get to know someone, the most important thing is to have fun and simply discover a connection point. All you need is one arena the two of you connect on and then build from there.
Talk Across The Brain In Order To Be Understood
While men and women do deserve to be equal, it doesn’t mean they are the same. Masculine energy and feminine energy function differently and it is essential to understand these differences in order to create connection in the early part of the dating process.
Women are generally more in touch with their feelings while men are usually more connected to their ideas and opinions. To speak to someone’s feminine side ask, “How do you feel about…?” To speak more to the masculine, ask, “What do you think about…?”
You will discover more about your date by utilizing language that speaks to their dominant style.
When asking questions to get to know someone, talk across the brain to make them more comfortable and create rapport.
Focus On Dreams And Goals Instead Of Likes And Dislikes
You may find a connection over a favorite movie, book, or musician, but if you want to connect on a deeper level see if you can bond over common dreams and goals. There is no guarantee that you’ll feel attracted to a person just because you share the same taste in hobbies and entertainment.
Attraction is born from your differences and the polarity between the two of you.
Instead, ask about your date’s dreams, goals, and visions for their future. That way you can see if the two of you share values and perspectives about what is important in life.
Sharing values is a much better indicator of long-term compatibility than similar interests. Looking for a person of character may simply mean you’ve connected with a platonic friend who is a good person. You’ll want the spark of chemistry to be present, but it isn’t the only ingredient for long-lasting love.
When asking questions to get to know someone, focus on the bigger picture in the future. You’ll have plenty of time to see if you share interests as you get to know each other.
25 Common Sense Questions To Get To Know Someone At A Deep, Soul Level
- What did you learn about…?
- What do you like most about…?
- What is your vision for your life in the next few years?
- What would you like to accomplish in your life?
- What are you excited about most in your life right now?
- What drew you to the work that you do?
- What would you be doing if your budget wasn’t an issue?
- How much time do you spend with your family?
- Who is your celebrity crush?
- What is something you’ve learned about love?
- What do you like to do with your friends?
- What are you most proud of and why?
- Where is your happy place?
- What brings you peace? Excitement? Joy?
- What’s something that’s on your bucket list?
- What do you like/dislike about where you grew up?
- What would be your superpower if you had one?
- What regrets do you have about your life?
- Who is someone that has inspired you?
- What’s something you discovered that changed your life?
- What event has had the most profound impact on who you are today?
- What is one of your favorite memories?
- What is your idea of a perfect date?
- What brings you the feeling of being loved?
- What are some of your personal life goals?
Instead of dating like a job interview, be open and curious, and ask questions to get to know someone that will help you create rapport and a connection point. Even if your date doesn’t turn out to be your soulmate, you’ll have spent meaningful time with another human being, which is always worthwhile.
Remember, every person you meet knows people you have never met. You never know who the person will be that could introduce you to your beloved.
If you are struggling to create a connection while dating or falling into apathy, we are here to support you on your path to long-lasting, soul-satisfying love. The truth is, if you knew how to do this on your own you wouldn’t be struggling just to find people to date.
We can assure you that it’s not your age or where you live that is the problem (we have busted this false belief with literally thousands of clients around the globe). Want to learn the real reason why your dates are not working out? Give us 3 minutes and watch this short video by clicking here.
You’ll be surprised at how quickly you can turn your love life around.
About the authors
Orna and Matthew Walters are soulmate coaches and prolific writers about love. Finding love, keeping love, healing from heartbreak, bringing in your beloved and more. They have been published on MSN, Yahoo!, YourTango, Redbook, and have been featured guest experts on BRAVO’s THE MILLIONAIRE MATCHMAKER with Patti Stanger, and as guests with Esther Perel speaking about love and intimacy.