Why Splitting Up May Have Been The Greatest Gift: 9 Secrets About Finding Love After Divorce

Divorce can be one of the most difficult experiences of your life. Perhaps the prospect of finding love after divorce feels daunting. Do you really want to get out there and risk your heart again? Are you ready to let yourself feel vulnerable and open to love?

What if your divorce was actually one of the most profound things that you’ve experienced and that coming out the other side you’d be able to create a relationship that stands the test of time? Whether you’re still holding onto hope from your marriage or feeling hopeless about your prospects moving forward, you can forge a new path to a more fulfilling and lasting partnership.

The secret to finding love after divorce is using the end of your marriage as a powerful tool for learning and discovery.

The Gift Of Your Divorce: 9 Secrets About Finding Love After Divorce

  1. It Is Perfectly Okay To Feel Like A Failure

You didn’t get married thinking that it wasn’t going to last. At the time you believed that person was your partner for life. That’s one of the reasons you got married in the first place.

It’s perfectly normal to feel like a failure when your marriage doesn’t work out. Whatever the circumstances that caused the two of you to call it quits it’s likely you feel that you did something to contribute to your divorce. You weren’t committed enough. You didn’t try hard enough. You missed seeing the obvious signs that something was wrong.

Whatever happened, you’re no longer the same person you were before you married, and you have to reconcile your hopes and dreams with this new reality.

Allow yourself to feel sorry for yourself. Take time to grieve and feel all your feelings. You may wonder if you’ll ever feel happy again. The only way out of these icky feelings is to go through them. Feeling bad is temporary and it’s part of the grieving process. Allow yourself to feel the full range of your emotions.

Finding love after divorce requires you to move through your feelings so you can release yourself from the guilt and shame that the marriage you had hoped would last didn’t.

  1. Compassion And Forgiveness Are Your Friends

If you knew how to do things differently, you would have. You did your best with the resources you had at the time. Going through a divorce will change you and it’s up to you to ensure those changes make you a better person.

Being stuck in judgment about your divorce will only keep you connected to your ex. The only way to release judgment is to develop compassion for yourself — this is the first step toward forgiveness.

Forgiveness releases you energetically from the relationship. It requires a conscious choice to release your hurt, anger, and resentment, whether your partner deserves it or not. It doesn’t condone or excuse bad behavior (nor should you just forget what happened).

Forgiveness and compassion for yourself allow you to accept that you aren’t perfect, but that you’re perfectly human. Accepting yourself as you are opens the door to changing what no longer works for you moving forward.

Holding onto anger, resentment, and judgment keeps you stuck in the past and blocks you from finding love after divorce. When your heart breaks, it breaks open to hold more love. Compassion and forgiveness are your tools for expanding your heart so you can let love in again.

  1. Your Struggles Make You Stronger

Anyone who lifts weights at the gym knows that without resistance you can’t build muscle. Maybe you’ve heard an entrepreneur’s success story of overcoming poverty growing up. Talk to anyone who has struggled with addiction, and they’ll tell you they’re a better person for overcoming their addiction and creating new coping skills.

Emotional strength and resilience come from overcoming difficulties. Courage comes from facing the issues in your life and not backing down or giving up.

Life will always have challenges and divorce is one of the greatest challenges you’ll go through. The internal strength you develop gives you the endurance to continue the search for an ideal life partner. Finding love after divorce requires that you learn and grow from your heartbreak.

  1. Allow Pain To Motivate You

Discomfort can be a powerful motivator. No one begins a new exercise program because they already feel energized and strong. They’re motivated to make changes because of bad news in their latest blood work, or feeling sluggish and uncomfortable in their clothes.

Your divorce can motivate you in the same way. Finding love after divorce requires that you look closely at your patterns and strategies in love and make some upgrades. Use pain to motivate you to get it right next time.

Upgrading your dating strategies allows you to find love after divorce with a new partner that will last a lifetime.

  1. Taking Responsibility For Your Half Gives You The Power To Change

You are not 100% responsible for your marriage ending. However, you are 100% responsible for your 50%. Whether you’re taking too much responsibility for what happened, or you’re blaming your partner, owning your half of the equation gives you the power to change for the better.

You aren’t responsible for someone else’s behavior, but you’re responsible for the choices you’ve made. Beware of justifying your behavior because your partner hurt you. Instead, take responsibility for all your behavior even if some of it was ugly.

If you’re having trouble knowing what’s yours and what belongs to your partner, use the responsibility equation. It goes like this:

“When someone has a problem with you, it’s their problem. When you have a problem with someone, it’s your problem.”

Own your stuff but don’t blame yourself for your partner’s failings. When you take responsibility for your behavior, finding love after divorce becomes a journey of growth and courage.

  1. Discover What Your Marriage Can Teach You About Love

All your experiences in life can be valuable teachers because they can show you where you need to develop better skills or strategies. They reveal areas that require growth so you can become more emotionally mature or resilient. They also shine a light on areas in which you’ve already grown and become a better person, and therefore a better partner.

Examining your marriage and what you learned from it (or what you still need to learn) will move you forward on the path to the lasting love you desire. You’ll open up to feeling gratitude for your ex because without those experiences you wouldn’t have become the person you are today.

This is one of the most empowering steps you can take to finding love after divorce. It keeps you from feeling like a victim and empowers you to create meaning from the events that motivated you to change for the better.

It’s a natural human tendency to look back on past events and find patterns and meanings in those events. When you focus on learning and growing from those events, then you can never be a victim of your circumstances.

  1. Get Clear On The Type Of Relationship You Want

By now, you’re probably clear on what you don’t want. You don’t want to repeat mistakes you’ve already made, however, this is not a good blueprint for manifesting a new relationship.

What you truly want is not the opposite of what you don’t want. Instead, create a vision of love and relationship that inspires you and brings you joy. Become crystal clear on the type of relationship you desire. This way you can deselect anyone that doesn’t fit your vision.

Focus on how the relationship functions and the dynamic you desire between the two of you. Don’t get caught up in unimportant details like physical appearance or common hobbies. Your heart doesn’t care about eye color, or whether they like the same books as you do.

Finding love after divorce requires that you use different criteria for selecting a partner.

Make sure the two of you can navigate through conflict together. Chemistry is required, but it shouldn’t be the most important factor. Just because the two of you have a lot of chemistry doesn’t mean that you’ll share the same values.

  1. Approach Love And Dating In A Whole New Way

You’re not going to find a new dynamic in love by using the same strategies that lead you to select your ex. Dating after divorce is a different experience altogether because you’re no longer the same person.

You’ll want to become a student of love and upgrade your dating strategies. The best way to uplevel your strategies is to date a lot of different people. This also gives you the opportunity to practice your new relationship skills. Don’t dive in too quickly and never give a stranger the benefit of the doubt. Use dating as a tool to discover where you still have room to grow and improve.

Slowing things down and dating more people will actually speed up the process of you finding a new love that can last. Take your time before jumping into exclusivity and get to know someone before making a deeper commitment.

If you rush to exclusivity, you’ll spend a lot of time in short-term relationships and feel like you have to start over again and again. Slow love doesn’t give you a guarantee, but you’ll be in a better position to select a long-term partner in a much shorter amount of time.

Utilize both your head and your heart when selecting a life partner and you’ll increase your chances of creating long-lasting, soul-satisfying love.

  1. Remember That Love Is Always A Risk Worth Taking

Love requires you to take a risk. There are no guarantees, but utilizing these strategies to become better at love and relationship will pay off in all areas of your life. You’ll become more resilient to the challenges in life, and you’ll have clarity about what brings you happiness and how to create it.

Human beings are social creatures by nature. Your soul craves connection with a special person. Don’t let fear stop you from opening your heart and taking a risk on love. You can certainly be single and happy, but if you really want to thrive in life, you’ll want to share your life with the love of your life.

Finding love after divorce is possible for you. To make it last be sure to take the steps to heal your heart, learn from your past stumbles, and discover gratitude for your divorce. This way the divorce won’t be a failure, instead learning from your divorce and becoming a better person will be the greatest gift you’ve received.

If you’re hesitant to start dating again, or you’re having trouble healing your heart, let us help you. Join us for a complimentary Soulmate Strategy Session. During this call, we’ll help you create an action plan for the lasting love you desire and deserve. You are worth loving!

About the authors

Love Coaches Orna and Matthew Walters

Orna and Matthew Walters are soulmate coaches and prolific writers about love. Finding love, keeping love, healing from heartbreak, bringing in your beloved and more. They have been published on MSN, Yahoo!, YourTango, Redbook, and have been featured guest experts on BRAVO’s THE MILLIONAIRE MATCHMAKER with Patti Stanger, and as guests with Esther Perel speaking about love and intimacy.

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