Not being able to keep your hands off each other can certainly leave you feeling breathless. Just the thought of seeing him again has those [...]
Is Chivalry Dead And Other Questions Women Ask As They Grow Frustrated In Their Search For Love
03 / 31 / 2019
So many women we speak with are confused by the way the men they meet are behaving. Men don’t call you up and ask you out for a date; they text the day of to see if you are available to hang out. Men act interested, only to disappear into thin air. Men press for sex but go M.I.A. when you mention the word commitment. It’s enough to make you ask, “Is chivalry dead?”
These same women also desire to be with men who treat them like a queen, step up when help is needed, and are supportive of their career.
So what happened? Why has it become so difficult for men and women to come together and create lasting-love?
The journey of equality and feminism over the last 50 years has created a world in which women can pursue any type of lifestyle and career they choose. Unfortunately, these gains have come at the expense of intimate relationships and a cohesive family unit.
Women are rewarded – both financially and socially – by behaving like men in the workplace. Women have discovered that they can do all the things that they were taught they needed a man to do for them. Women are showing up in positions of power and influence in record numbers.
How can this be seen as a bad thing?
We’re not advocating that women give up these hard-fought gains and go back to the kitchen. Women have every right to pursue the kind of life they desire. However, if we ignore the differences in the natural polarity of masculine and feminine energy, then we are doomed to a constant war between the sexes and dissatisfaction in both men and women, plus a lack of fulfillment in our most intimate relationships.
Ultimately, it comes down to a misunderstanding of the differences between men and women and the dance they do in partnership.
So let’s take a look at some of the pressing frustrations women have about men and how a new approach can lead to long-lasting, soul-satisfying love for both sexes.
Is chivalry dead?
Chivalry in the form of an ideal knight who is pledged to protect women above all else is not a system that is needed in our modern world. But the qualities of chivalry, especially courage, honor, courtesy, justice, and a readiness to help the weak, are still values that many hold.
While these values seem to be great values to uphold, the practice of them left a lot to be desired. Chivalry was an exclusive practice of the noblemen for the benefit of noblewomen. It was not something that applied if you didn’t have the money or status afforded you by your name or rank in society.
Chivalry through the years has been a shield that wealthy men from “good” families used to protect themselves from bad behavior. It was also used to justify why women were incapable of taking care of themselves without the help of men.
It was a system that had outgrown its usefulness and therefore needed to be changed. The problem is that as a society we threw the baby out with the bathwater.
Equality means that women can pursue men they want to be in a relationship with. It means that men are no longer required to pay for dinner on a date. It also means that men and women can have sex without consequences or strings attached. Hooking up for sex is now accepted by a record number of men and women.
The blurring of the lines in relationship has lead to a host of problems that dating coaches, dating blogs, and advice columns are constantly trying to answer as women try to solve the mystery of what happened to all the men of quality.
Aren’t men and women equal?
Men and women are both equal members of the human race and are therefore both allowed to equally pursue their dreams and goals. This wasn’t always the case and therefore should be celebrated that we are getting closer to achieving this goal.
Yes, men and women are equal in this sense, but they are not the same. We should never equate equality with similarity.
Feminine energy is receptive. Two feminine energies together are reciprocal. The feminine is built for multitasking, accepting, and nurturing.
Masculine energy is probing. Two masculine energies together are competitive. The masculine is built to be single-minded and focused.
Strong, confident women are behaving like men when dating and in their relationships. They are pursuing. They are competing. They are putting forth all the effort that a man traditionally did in the pursuit of the relationship.
This is wreaking havoc on dating, relationships, and the family unit. It is also confusing most men. Men are either figuratively castrating themselves and stepping into the role of the feminine in order to avoid having their behavior labeled as “toxic masculinity,” or they are looking for a woman with more “traditional” values who isn’t trying to compete with them.
This leaves the successful, powerful woman in a difficult and lonely situation – either settle for a man who is not capable of stepping up for her or stay single.
Men want to love women not compete with them. They want to know how to win a woman’s heart. They want to know that they can be a hero to the woman they love. But women today are not giving them the chance, and are constantly criticizing the men in their life for every single thing. For most men, it seems they just can’t win for losing.
Why do men ghost?
The simple answer is because they can. If it is no longer important for men to be honorable and courteous then there is no incentive for a man to explain his actions or his behavior to a woman he has slept with or has been dating.
Also, if women are equal to men and are doing the pursuing, then that man isn’t committed to a relationship with her anyway. Only a man who is pursuing you for a relationship (consistently over time) has proven to you that he is interested in a relationship with you.
When you pursue or even make it easy for him to get what he desires, then he does not feel committed to something more. Many men who are not interested in a relationship do like to have regular sex and companionship with a woman and are happy to receive that when you do all of the work for them.
Women who are asking is chivalry dead need to look at what signals they are sending men with their behavior. Taking a more masculine approach to dating will make chivalry irrelevant.
Are we supposed to split the check?
If a man is asking you out on a date then he is expecting to pay for that date. If a man texts you to “hang out” and the two of you happen to get food together, then all bets are off.
Most men understand this and ask you for a date with the expectation that they will be paying. Receive this from him and acknowledge and appreciate his actions. There is no need for a woman to reciprocate to a man she is dating. All he requires is acknowledgment and appreciation. This is how you treat a man who will continue to want to give to you. If you reciprocate you’re essentially treating him like a girlfriend and he has no motivation to continue.
Is chivalry dead on a date? Only if you are offering to split the check instead of letting him be the man.
How do I stay powerful and confident AND get the kind of man I desire?
This is the question all women should be asking themselves, as they really do have the power to turn it all around. Women by nature are the relationship navigators. Men changed because women did. A good man wants to know how to please you, not oppress you and please trust us when we say the majority of men are “good” men.
It may sound silly and like we’re asking you to appeal to his fragile male ego, but the truth is that the fuel a man runs on in relationship is acknowledgment and appreciation. When you reward your man for doing what you like by acknowledging his actions and letting him know how much you appreciate him, then you give that man what his soul desires.
Just like you want to feel safe and taken care of by your man, he wants to feel appreciated by you. He wants to do things for you because he wants to make sure another man won’t show up and replace him. If he can do the things that bring you joy he will feel good about himself.
So many women try to steer their men by criticizing what he is doing wrong, instead of praising what he is doing right. Modern men are starved for appreciation and men and women are suffering because of it.
It seems to us that most women are stingy with praise. They figure the right guy will magically know what they desire as if attraction and love comes alongside mind-reading powers. Men don’t know what you like and don’t like – you must communicate with them and tell them.
Make requests, give feedback, ask for changes if you must, but most of all appreciate a man’s effort. The tiniest bit of praise will go a long way with men (especially divorced men over 40).
Why doesn’t a guy make a move?
We hear from women around the globe who give us the play-by-play on meeting a guy and knowing there are sparks on both sides, but no follow-through. It’s risky for a man to ask a woman out – especially in these times of swiping right. There are a lot of ways to keep the risk to a minimum.
Men don’t make a move right away because a man needs to know that the water is warm. He wants to mitigate the risk. If you’re open, friendly, and approachable, he can take that courageous step and ask for your number.
Too many women we speak with wonder why there’s a preamble on a dating site from men and why don’t they just cut to the chase. A guy sending you a short missive, telling you that you have a nice smile, or asking a question about something in your profile is the same thing, he wants to know that you’re interested.
So many women today are putting forth all the effort and pursuing men, allowing those who are not looking for a relationship, but happy for some companionship to see how easy a woman will make it for him.
If you want a relationship with a man, then steer clear of these guys. They will not suddenly become convinced of what an amazing woman you are and decide that they want a relationship with you. They are only looking for something convenient, not long-lasting.
The question of who is pursuing who needs to be a dynamic similar to that of two ballroom dancers – one person leads, while the other follows. Ladies, we’re not suggesting that you behave passively, instead the role of the feminine is to respond.
Lean back and relax and allow the man to drive the relationship forward – if he isn’t doing that, let him go and move on. He’s not your Mr. Right, he’s just Mr. Convenient and nothing you do will change that.
Polarity is the key to attraction. Think of two magnets, the similar energies repel one another, while the opposing energies are magnetic and stick together. This is exactly why it is essential that you embrace your feminine energy so you can have the chemistry that you desire along with the kind of man who will drive the relationship forward.
Bottom line is if you like it when a man opens the car door for you, then ask him to do it. If you prefer that he pay for the date he asked you out on, don’t offer to pay. Acknowledge and appreciate him for taking you out. Let him know what a nice time you’ve had getting to know him.
Chivalry is not dead, it simply needs a modern twist, one where polarity exists because it’s no fun to throw the ball if no one is going to catch it.
As Soulmate Coaches for spiritual, successful, single women we identify and remove blocks to love – even those lurking in your subconscious. If you’d like to speak with us about what may be keeping you from the love you want, schedule a complimentary Soulmate Strategy Call by clicking here.
About the authors
Orna and Matthew Walters are soulmate coaches and prolific writers about love. Finding love, keeping love, healing from heartbreak, bringing in your beloved and more. They have been published on MSN, Yahoo!, YourTango, Redbook, and have been featured guest experts on BRAVO’s THE MILLIONAIRE MATCHMAKER with Patti Stanger, and as guests with Esther Perel speaking about love and intimacy.