This week’s question comes from Fern

“Hi Orna and Matthew,

I have been divorced for 22 yrs. – have focused on raising my children and now that they are all on their own – I want to find a love partner. I have read many books – John Gray – did the ‘Call in the One’ program – Surrendered Singles – have a dating couch with them and am on bi-weekly calls. I have had clearing energy work done and energy massages, asked all my friends to keep me in mind etc. etc. etc….

I also go to lots of social events, smile and give eye contact. I am 6′ tall, attractive and very friendly.

I have not met my love partner and I have been doing everything all the experts say to do. I am starting to feel like ‘Love’ has become an industry like the weight loss industry. People keep pouring money into it and stay over weight and….it seems the same with love…

What can I do to really get results – as in meet a love partner for a relationship?

Please advise. Thanks.”

Dear Fern,

Congratulations on being willing to seek help and advice on finding love. And we also hear your frustration with the “Love Industry” because of the lack of results you’ve been getting. Certainly there are some people who are out of integrity in the way they conduct their business, however, the programs you mentioned above are all high quality and deliver results to their clients.

We want you to get the help you need so we’re not going to hold anything back on our answer. At some point you need to take responsibility for your results. Coaches, programs, and books can give advice, strategies, understanding, and change in our lives but they can’t take the weight off (to use your analogy of the weight loss industry). There is a reason many commercials use the phrase “results may vary.”

There is some important information that you left out of your question, which would allow us to give you better, more specific advice. You neglected to give us any details about you or your past experiences. You also didn’t let us know what learning about your habits and patterns you’ve received from all of the work you’ve done.

We usually discover with our clients (most of whom have done “all the programs” before coming to us) that there is a block somewhere. Despite all the actions they’ve taken there is a belief, a story, an internal conflict, or a past negative emotion that is getting in the way to create love.

One of our clients, a successful doctor, believed deep down that all the good ones were taken. She mostly socialized with men who were quite a bit older than her and just wasn’t meeting single men her age. After 3 sessions with us where we helped her discover this belief and transform it, she met 3 different men who were single, attractive, and age appropriate – they ALL lived in her apartment building! (They did not just move in, they had all lived there for many years, just as she had.)

Another client was stuck because her ex-husband kept coming back into her life with promises of change, only to reveal the same old patterns that broke them up in the first place. Two months into working with us, he came back and this time seemed like he was finally walking his talk. We coached her on how to approach the situation, observing his behavior from the perspective of what she truly desired and seeing if he could deliver what she wanted. He quickly revealed his old patterns again and she was able to finally move on without feeling crushed or heartbroken by his behavior.

Releasing our subconscious fears and hurts can bring rapid results. We had a client in her 20’s who had a lot of fear about not being heard in her relationships. We helped her release the fear and create a powerful new paradigm for what she wanted and a couple of months later starting dating a guy who fit everything she was looking for. After they had been dating a couple of months, he remarked that he had never been in a relationship with such good communication. She responded, “That’s because I’ve been doing it on purpose!”

So instead of blaming the relationship industry for not delivering on their promise of giving you the relationship you want, take responsibility for your results. Look to see if there are any negative emotions (fear, anger, sadness, hurt, shame, or guilt) that are holding you back. What are your beliefs that limit what is available to you? Perhaps you are in an internal double bind where different parts of you have conflicting wants. This will keep you stuck where you are, and stop you from creating anything close to what your true heart desires.

Your rather generic question points to where you are laying blame rather than taking responsibility. Attempting to “Call In The One” BEFORE you’ve cleared your subconscious blocks will not draw in your Beloved. If you believe that you are not worthy of a great love relationship, nothing will deliver it to you.

It is your underlying belief system that must be addressed and reworked so that you are not just going through the motions, but actually believe that you are in fact worthy!

We suggest starting with our ebook and workbook The Soulmate Shortcut. This is a very effective DIY program allowing you to research and identify your blocks to love. It also provides tools for beginning the process of transforming those blocks.

We are here to be guides to love.

Love and Abundance,

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