This week’s question comes from Christina:

Hello Orna and Matthew,

How do I balance trying to find a good man with the need to be attracted to him? I’m trying to be open but am getting frustrated because I try to focus more on the profile online but find that I’m not physically attracted to most of them when we meet.

Thanks for your help!

Dear Christina,

Keep the faith! You will find love. Keep making adjustments when you are not getting the results you want with online dating.

So many people write to us about their struggles with online dating. Many swear they will never use it again to find love. Others share their horror stories with us about the men they meet.

We want to stress that online dating is a tool. (Probably one of the best tools for meeting men who are interested in a relationship.) If the tool is not getting you the results you want, then you are probably using the tool incorrectly. If you cut yourself with a knife while making dinner, it is not the fault of the knife, nor does it make the knife bad.

Specifically, you mention that you find yourself not attracted to most of the men you meet online when you meet them in person and you describe it as a balance between finding a good man and being attracted to him. That is an interesting statement and reveals a lot about where you are currently stuck and unable to create what you desire.

You seem to be describing what we call a ‘double bind’ which is keeping you unable to move toward what you want. A double bind is when you have two internal beliefs that seem to be at odds with each other. It can often feel like you are wrestling with yourself and you are stuck. Until you resolve the double bind, it can be difficult or near impossible to move forward.

The way you wrote your question has us believing that your double bind is a false belief that a ‘good man’ is not one you will find attractive. And therefore a man you find attractive is not a good man. Releasing the double bind is the key to getting unstuck.

We would bet that you’ve had past experiences where the men you had a strong attraction to turned out to be untrustworthy or unavailable. This led you to not trust yourself when you found a man attractive. Then you decided to change the way you looked for a mate, focusing on qualities in his profile that you decided meant he was a ‘good man.’

This is a strategy we see many smart women adopting in an attempt to get the love they desire. The strategy is this: Let me find the opposite of what I don’t want. That will make sure I am not hurt.

This is not a good way to create or manifest what you desire. In fact, it only keeps you stuck in the pattern.

The key is to discover all of the limitations in your belief systems that are blocking you from love and transform them. The biggest block is  Your Love Imprint®.

Discovering Your Love Imprint® will give you even more insights into this pattern you have, and all the permutations of behaviors that have you playing this pattern out over and over again.

Your Love Imprint® is the system running in your subconscious mind that is made up of your limiting belief systems, your mental/emotional patterns, and your behavioral strategies for giving and receiving love.

Our DIY program for discovering and transforming Your Love Imprint is The Soulmate Shortcut. This program guides you through the process of discovering your blocks to love and shares specific tools for transforming them.

Once you transform this double bind, you will be able to trust yourself when you are attracted to a man and you will discover that many attractive men are in fact good men too.

We are here to be your guides to love.

Love and Abundance,

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