The Myth Of Finding A Quality Man – 8 Reasons Why You Can’t Find A Good Man

Do you believe that finding a quality man is difficult? If you’re scanning social media, reading Cosmo, or just talking with your single female friends this myth may feel like truth because everywhere you look you’ll find plenty of complaints that it’s impossible to find a good man to date, let alone marry.

It can seem like all the good men are already taken and you’re left sorting through the discard pile. It’s enough to have you thinking you’ll just be okay alone and celibate.

The myth that it’s difficult to find a good man goes hand-in-hand with the idea that you just need to know WHERE to find a good man. Just like you may find the right rescue dog at the right animal rescue.

Do you think that if you meet a man at church, in a high-end hotel, through a matchmaker, on an elite dating site, or volunteering for those in need the location will deliver a good man to you?

But finding a quality man isn’t about where you’re looking; it’s about how you’re looking.

You can find a good man almost anywhere, it’s just a matter of changing your strategies for finding an ideal match for long-lasting love. A good man is not a unicorn. There are plenty of them right in your town — wherever you may live. The hyperfocus on finding a quality man actually makes it harder for you to find the right man for you.

Here’s why your focus on finding a quality man is blocking you from the long-lasting love you want.

The Myth Of Finding A Quality Man — 8 Reasons Why You Can’t Find A Good Man

  1. Finding A Quality Man Is Subjective

Just like beauty, quality is in the eye of the beholder. When finding a quality man to date no definition of quality matches what every woman desires. Your preferences belong to you.

Since every woman has different criteria for what constitutes a quality man (or a good match for them), there isn’t one location that quality men tend to frequent. You can find your type of good man amongst all kinds of other men.

Some men have done a ton of personal growth work and are not good relationship material. Other men, who’ve never read a self-help book. are great men who want a relationship, a family, and to fall in love for a lifetime.

The same could be said for income level, religion, education, or any other attribute that someone defines as quality.

There’s no generic recipe or one-size-fits-most when looking for a life partner. Plus, in looking for “men” rather than “your man” you’re setting yourself up for frustration.

Dating for your soulmate is not like putting out a casting call in Hollywood. You don’t need quality men – you simply need one. One man who’s an ideal match for you and will stand by you.

Lumping men into a generic group is simply not how the world is and says a lot about your mindset. Albert Einstein said, “You cannot solve a problem with the same mind that created it.” Finding a quality man to date has more to do with your state of mind rather than what’s available out in the world.

  1. Your Unrealistic Standards Limit Your Choices

If you’re trying to find a good man to date and you only see guys who don’t measure up, then you’re dividing all men into only two categories: Quality and Inferior.

This type of black-and-white thinking causes you to reject men for any and every reason under the sun. Finding fault with most of the men you meet before you get to know them will keep you single and frustrated, just as deselecting every guy you see online before meeting them in person.

There are more than two types of men in the world. The world is full of varied kinds of men, just as there are many types of women. You’re not going to know immediately if a guy is your match right away.

Plus, how are you supposed to distinguish these quality men from all the other men in the world? It’s not like they’re all wearing the same color hat or sweatshirt as a mark of their high quality.

You’re not finding a quality man by creating a detailed list of characteristics and then eliminating every man who doesn’t immediately match the list.

Instead of judging a guy because he doesn’t fit your rigid criteria, notice how he shows up for you. Dating is a process, so take your time getting to know someone instead of writing him off before he’s had a chance to show you what he’s really made of.

  1. You’re Trying To Avoid Pain

If you’re divorced from a cheater, or you recently broke up with an emotionally unavailable man, or you’re tired of dating guys who show up hot and then go cold, then you’re probably struggling to find a good man because you’re hypersensitive to the type of man who’s hurt you. It makes sense you don’t want a repeat situation, but you can’t find a good man by avoiding the type who’s broken your heart.

You cannot create from lack, so avoiding the type of guy who’s hurt you won’t bring you closer to meeting your ideal match. By putting your focus on what you don’t want, you’ve told your mind to highlight the type of guy who’s hurt you. You’ll struggle finding a quality man because your mind will only see the type of men you’re trying to avoid.

Instead of looking for the wrong man in order to avoid him, you can put all your energy into finding the quality man that’s the right fit for you long-term.

  1. You’re Showing Off Instead Of Showing Up

If you’re a successful woman you’re probably comfortable in your masculine energy. It serves you in your career, so it’s easy to use those same strategies while dating. Instead of giving him space to show off for you, you’re too busy showing him how great you are.

Some successful women believe they intimidate men and therefore have trouble finding a quality man. That’s not the real problem. When you’re showing off you’re in your masculine energy it creates a competitive atmosphere on the date.

Men compete with other men; they don’t want to compete with their woman. An alpha male will deselect himself because he doesn’t want to compete with his lover. A more feminine man will relax into his feminine energy and let you do all the heavy lifting and you’ll feel insecure because he’s not stepping up for you.

Instead of waiting for him to reveal what he wants, you’re pursuing the relationship and moving things forward. These strategies will make it difficult to find a good man because you won’t know what his intentions are. Eventually you’ll be asking him “Where is this relationship going?”

As far as he’s concerned, it’s going great for him. He’s getting exactly what he needs, companionship and regular sex.

If you’re interested in finding a quality man who wants to be in a relationship with you, stop doing so much. Relax into your feminine energy and let him lead. With your feminine energy you can respond, but you don’t have to follow. If the relationship doesn’t go anywhere then you’ll know exactly what his intentions are.

A relationship-ready man will pursue you for a relationship, he’ll want to claim you and take you off the market.

  1. You’re Moving Too Quickly

It can be exciting to jump in the sack when you first meet a guy you like, but if you want to find a good man, slow things down. When you move too fast you let your excitement cloud your judgment and you ignore possible red flags.

Some men are more in love with the idea of you and make big romantic gestures on the first few dates. This may feel great, but you’ve just met and don’t really know each other. Most guys that love-bomb don’t have what it takes to go the distance in a long-term partnership.

Finding a quality man requires that you slow things down and discover if the two of you are an ideal match before you commit to exclusivity. Otherwise, you may find that he runs away the second things become difficult because his fantasy doesn’t include disagreements.

The right man will let you set the pace. He’ll be patient and willing to put in the time to prove to you that he’s in it to win it with you. Practice slow love and hold off on exclusivity. Date a few men in a rotation so you can experience the differences in how men pursue and show up. When you find a good man he’ll put in the effort to win your heart.

  1. You’re Judging Him Too Quickly

Most men you go on a first date with or interact with through an app or an online dating site don’t have a dating coach. They’re probably using the same dating strategies they developed when they were young men just figuring things out. Patience, curiosity, and a little effort will help you find a good man who just doesn’t make a great impression on a first or second date.

Good men are just as cautious as many women are about dating. They’ve had their hearts broken and are struggling to find lasting love. It’s often the guy who isn’t interested in a long-term relationship who comes across as confident and aggressive at the beginning.

Finding a quality man requires patience with the men you’re meeting. Be curious and open. Redirect him when necessary. Give him a chance and he may prove to be a lot more capable than you’re aware of at the beginning.

  1. You Don’t Value Yourself

You may secretly believe that you’re not worthy of finding a quality man, so you settle for less. You find yourself in dead-end relationships with men who don’t treat you the way you deserve to be treated.

Not valuing yourself causes you to ignore obvious signs he’s not a quality man.

Settling for the first guy who’s interested in you. Tolerating disrespectful behavior and go along with choices you don’t agree with to avoid scaring him away. Not speaking up and asking for what you want. Being too accommodating because you don’t want to be alone.

Instead of settling for the guy who’s less than ideal for you, train yourself to build your self-confidence and self-esteem. You deserve to find a good man who gets you and will stick by you.

  1. You’re Expecting Him To Be A Mind Reader

Finding a quality man doesn’t mean he’ll come with mind-reading powers. Knowing how to communicate your feelings and desires goes a long way to identifying a quality man over an inferior one.

A quality man can be inspired to step up into his better self. He’ll see your requests as clues to how to please you, make you happy, and win your heart.

An inferior man will become defensive and possibly dismiss your feelings and your needs. Or he may agree to your request but not put in any effort to deliver on it.

You’ll never discover who he is or what he’s capable of if you don’t speak your needs and desires with him. Judging him because he’s not a mind reader may keep your heart safe, but you’ll never know if he’s capable of stepping up for you.

Approach each man with curiosity, share your dreams and goals with him. Let him know your feelings and let him see the real authentic you. Give him the space to step up for you and provide your needs and wants.

The right man for you will want to provide you with lifelong happiness. He’ll always want to bring a smile to your face.

Stop worrying about finding a quality man and instead start looking for the man who’s the right match for you long-term. He’s the one who’s willing and able to meet your needs and wants to make you happy. He’s moving the relationship forward and showing you that he wants a relationship with you every step of the way.

Give him time to get to know you while you’re dating and if he doesn’t move the relationship forward move on.

If you’re ready to get off the relationship merry-go-round and create new strategies for lasting love, join us for a complimentary Soulmate Strategy Call. We’ll help you create a plan for finding love with your quality man.

About the authors

Love Coaches Orna and Matthew Walters

Orna and Matthew Walters are soulmate coaches and prolific writers about love. Finding love, keeping love, healing from heartbreak, bringing in your beloved and more. They have been published on MSN, Yahoo!, YourTango, Redbook, and have been featured guest experts on BRAVO’s THE MILLIONAIRE MATCHMAKER with Patti Stanger, and as guests with Esther Perel speaking about love and intimacy.

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