This week’s question comes from Deb:

“Hi Orna and Matthew,

Do you have any suggestions for finding love when you are overweight? I feel like men don’t give me an opportunity because of my size.

Recently I started going to the gym and I’ve modified my dietary habits. It’s frustrating that appearance seems to be more important than being intelligent or emotionally balanced.


Dear Deb,

Congratulations on taking actions to feel better about yourself! And we think whether you are working out or not, the problem is not your weight.

Over the years we’ve helped thousands of women find their Beloved and those women have come in all shapes, sizes, ages, and colors. None of these things are the reason they were struggling to find love and none of these are the reason they ultimately found love.

We know from experience that it is not your outward appearance that affects your ability to find love; it is how you feel about your outward appearance.

It sounds to us like you have judgment about your weight and that is causing you to struggle and not show up fully and authentically in your life. Ultimately all judgment is self-judgment and when you believe that men don’t like you because of your size it is an indication that you don’t like you because of your size.

By all means, continue working out and eating healthy. When we take care of ourselves in this way it is an important piece of living a happy and healthy life. However, if your self-esteem is dependent on your weight, then you are setting yourself to struggle for a long time and put your lovability in someone else’s hands.

The truth is you are loveable at exactly the weight you are at this moment. Start a practice of noticing your inner dialog. Are you critical of yourself? What do you say to yourself when you look in the mirror? Is it loving, or is it critical?

By becoming aware of what you are saying to yourself about yourself, you will begin to understand how you truly feel about yourself. Awareness of this pattern will give you the ability to begin to change it.

Self-love and self-acceptance are daily practices and initially require you to focus your will power and be consistent. Once you get comfortable with this new habit you will become much more aware of when you are not loving and accepting yourself.

There are men who like thin women, men who like tall women, men who like curvy women, men who like all kinds of women. Once you believe that you are loveable just as you are, the men who are right for you will come crawling out of the woodwork.

This is an important journey for you and we know that if you commit yourself to it, that you will create a life you love alongside your Beloved. If you want some guidance on how to start learning to love and accept yourself, we suggest you check out our DIY for love program The Soulmate Shortcut.

The Soulmate Shortcut will guide you through the process of discovering your blocks to love and give you the tools to develop self-love and self-acceptance. You can learn more about the program here.

Ultimately, we don’t get love from another person, we SHARE love with another person. It is the love that we have for ourselves that ends up being reflected back to us through the eyes of our Beloved.

We are here to be your guides to love.

Love and Abundance,