This week’s question comes from Angie:
“Hi Orna and Matthew :)
Thank you for the work you’re doing. Your Love Notes and your teachings resonate with me so much!!
My question is this – how can you tell the difference between your intuition saying “this isn’t it” vs your heart just being closed off to love?
I’ve been dating my boyfriend now for about a year and a half. I love and care about this person, and he has become like a best friend to me, in that we share (almost) everything with each other, have many common values and interests, and almost every day spend time together. However, from the very first time he approached me, I heard what I think was my intuition saying, “just friends”. I let him know I wasn’t interested in dating anyone at that time – I’m very invested in my own personal growth and healing right now, and I’ve lost myself in pretty much every romantic relationship I’ve had in the past. But I allowed the relationship to continue and deepen and become an intimate and romantic relationship.
He’s a very intuitive person and he can sense and knows that I’ve never been FULLY in it. He’s even said to me before that he’s just not sure if I’m attracted to him. And the truth is, I’m not sure either. I’ve never really felt that attraction or excitement with him, and I don’t know if it’s me blocking love and possibilities and not wanting to get lost in a relationship again, or if it’s just that he’s not right for me right now. With all the time and energy I’m investing in myself in feeling whole, I wonder if anyone would be right for me right now?
I’ve had several dreams recently about being with other men, and I feel that excitement and attraction, and romance (that I don’t feel with him and I’m not sure if I WANT to feel it with him). I’m scared to make any changes because I don’t want to lose him or hurt him. but so often I feel inauthentic because I can’t share this part of myself with him, this truth that I don’t see a future with us romantically together. I don’t get excited about having a family with him or kids. I feel contracted when I think about him in this way. It makes me so sad because I do love him! And I know if I would go all in, he would be right there next to me, all in.
This past Tuesday I was able for the first time ever to open up and share these uncertainties I’ve been having with my boyfriend. We talked about them again on Thursday, and I let him know that sometimes this feels like an amazing friendship as opposed to a romantic relationship. I’ve always felt so much resistance on my end to the relationship, and I’m not sure why. He’s always wanted more. He’s “fought” for that part of it. Although it was difficult it feels better to be more fully authentic by expressing these feelings to him. I feel very vulnerable, and unsure of what will happen, but I couldn’t hold them in any longer. The only thing I didn’t express to him is that, with him, sex is often just physical for me (nothing more). I don’t know if that’s ever something I should tell him, but I definitely know now is not the time.
We did end up “breaking up” Friday, but just for really one day, after me verbalizing these things, these uncertainties on my part, that he’s had inklings about all along. I felt devastated and heartbroken and incredibly sad. After a lot of journaling, talking, some meditating, we decided to give it a second chance and a fresh start. Essentially this was up to him because after the break up, which came from his end, I expressed that that was not what I wanted, and that he felt like home to me. So when we talked Saturday he said he wanted as well to give it this second chance. I had spent all evening Friday and all day Saturday crying my eyes out devastated, so incredibly sad at this loss. Then when he said that he was willing to try again, though I felt relief, I didn’t feel happy. I wasn’t excited. In fact, I felt a little weird. But because there had been SO many emotions in the past 24 hours, I let it be. We both agreed that we want to do things differently, To BE different – more loving, accepting, communicative. To see each other in a new light, and give this a shot, 100% in.
I feel like I’m in an observer role now. Trying to learn the difference between whether my heart and intuition are telling me something (“this isn’t quite it”), or that feeling is just my heart being closed off. This person that I’m with is someone who does want to give an incredible amount of love. It’s actually amazing how much I feel I’ve learned from this experience, mainly about seeing the good in someone, opening your heart, and being willing to experience all the love that is around you. So I’m trying to see with kinder, more open eyes.
I would LOVE some help and insight on all of this that is going on. I SOOO want to become more wise about relationships and learn to be the person I want to be with, and act on my inner wisdom. Thank you SO much!
First off, thank you for your heartfelt email and question. We can feel how torn you are about this relationship and appreciate you trusting us by emailing us and asking for a reply.
You state that the two of you have shared values, common interests, and that you enjoy spending a lot of time together. It sounds like you are a good match for each other. You have great compatibility, communication, and emotional intimacy. In fact, when faced with the thought of not being with him you felt devastated and cried for two days.
Your one complaint is that you don’t feel that “excitement, attraction, and romance” that you are used to from past relationships and that you can’t imagine having a family with him. You are in a classic double bind. Part of you wants one thing and the other part wants something else. These two parts are at odds with each other and since they both want what is best for you, you are stuck.
Many of our clients experience double binds like this. It can feel like one of the most difficult situations to get out of, however, we can support you in resolving this internal conflict.
You mention a couple of times about how you’ve “lost yourself in your past romantic relationships” and that you are now focused on your own personal growth and healing right now. This is our clue as to what is really going on…
We can guess that your childhood had some dysfunction and that one or both of your parents had an issue keeping clear boundaries. This is the key to Your Love Imprint™ (how you learned to receive in your family of origin), and your subconscious still sees this pattern as what love is supposed to feel like as an adult. You probably already get this, as you are so focused on your own healing.
Your subconscious is looking for that old dysfunction, which it has labeled as “excitement and attraction.” Your evolved higher self can see this man you are currently with as a healthy, loving man for you but your subconscious is still looking for that old feeling.
The excitement you are looking for is not healthy for you. It is actually a fear response from your subconscious saying to you “This man is like your childhood experience of love. Run away!” Reframe that feeling as a fear response and you’ll work your way out of that double bind.
We don’t know if this is your guy or not, but he does sound like a good man and he appears to be good for you. Focus on healing this last piece of your childhood wound and the answer will become clear to you. Our best guess is that he can be instrumental in supporting you to heal your childhood wounds.
If you want specific help on transforming Your Love Imprint™, you can reach out to us for private coaching. Details and a no risk application can be found here: www.creatingloveonpurpose.com/privatecoaching.
Love and Abundance,