This week’s question comes from Karen:

Dear Orna & Matthew,

What do you think about a woman calling a man? Then pulling back? I’m in the first month of a really nicely smoothly moving along friendship with a man. Taking things slow. Almost too slow but I’m okay with it. He is 58, I’m 45. Not younguns….want to be smart about this and not push him away as I’ve done with all my others. I get very eager and want to control. So what is your opinion on texting, phone calls, inviting a man over……I have read the Rules 50,000 times…..and in one night of reading your book I so see where I’ve done wrong. The rules made me feel like I was being mean, not taking care of me.


Hi Karen,

We’ve addressed this issue before but we wanted to take on this question because of this statement you made, “want to be smart about this and not push him away as I’ve done with all my others. I get very eager and want to control.” Addressing this control issue will change everything for you.

Take some time to discover where your need for control comes from. Most of these stories come from early childhood, and at your age you’re probably aware of your story. However, we want you to approach it in a different way.

Ask yourself, “How do I feel when I’m not in control?” Notice if you feel one of six core negative emotions – fear, anger, sadness, hurt, shame, or guilt. Identify which of these emotions is present and where you feel it in your body. Where you feel the feeling will give you insight into the nature of the need for control.

For example if you feel fear in your solar plexus, then this need for control is a personal power issue. If you feel it in your genitals then it is connected to your sexuality and creativity. If you feel it in your throat then it is about expressing your truth.

When you truly understand the nature of your need for control, then you can ask yourself, “Is this True?” with a capitol T. Is this a reflection of a greater truth of who you are, or is this just a story that you learned and can therefore unlearn?

Imagining yourself feeling comfortable without needing to control, and therefore in your feminine, now ask yourself the questions you asked us. Do you feel the need to reach out to find out what is up with him? Or can you relax and know that if he is interested in you, he will make his desires known to you?

When men are interested in a relationship, they pursue. They reach out to you, they schedule dates, and they follow up when they say they will. When a man doesn’t do this then he may be attracted to you but he may not want to be in a relationship with you.

When you let go of the need to control, then you give him the space to step up and take the lead. If he doesn’t, then you know he is just a friend. If he does, then you know he wants more.

As far as the book “The Rules,” it is clear that this is not the book for you because taking the actions suggested in the book are not authentic for you – they are not alignment with who you really are. We never suggest that a client create an arbitrary set of rules because once the heart is involved, all rules are thrown out the window.

We don’t say wait until X number of dates before having sex. Instead we suggest that if you are looking for a relationship, to introduce sex when you can have the conversation about what sex means for you – if its exclusivity, then be sure there is a commitment BEFORE having sex.

We suggest that having a deeper understanding of our behavior and where it comes from allows us to shift for the better. In our video series, “Why Smart Women Stay Single” we reveal what gets in the way of having the love you want. We recommend that you watch these videos. You can get to them here:  Why Smart Women Stay Single

We look forward to hearing how things change for you when you let go of the need to control.

Love and Abundance,

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