Is Your Picker Broken?
Hello Orna and Matthew,
I have been getting your emails ever since I subscribed last month after I purchased The Soulmate Shortcut™. It’s a great book, thank you so much for writing it.
I still worry though. My friend and I are in our 30s and feel the same. We keep only ever attracting the wrong men, who seem great in the beginning only to let us down in the end.
My last relationship was with a guy who was so romantic, he proposed to me. He was really focused on our relationship. However, he was trying to turn me into what he wanted me to be rather than appreciating me for who I am. He had no interest in me as a person and I didn’t want to believe it. He didn’t care about my feelings and the whole relationship gradually became about me meeting his needs and him not meeting any of mine. I felt exhausted. Nothing I did was ever good enough for him.
I simply cannot trust myself to make a good decision when it comes to men.
So I know that in theory I should love myself for who I am and focus on what makes me happy etc, but I don’t know how to trust myself or anyone else again.
Thank you for your heartfelt question and we feel for you, your friend, and everyone who struggles with this dilemma. It is a common one and without being able to ask you some additional questions, we can make some educated guesses into Your Love Imprint™ and why lasting love has eluded you thus far.
Hope is the first thing that comes into a relationship, and it is the last thing to leave. We go on that first meet/first date with hope in our heart that we’ve found The One, and even as the relationship is crumbling and we feel the familiar pain of heartbreak again, the hope hangs on that things will miraculously change and it will work out.
The problem is in your selection process. The dating process is exactly that, and it takes time and effort to make internal changes so you don’t end up in the same place again and again.
As human beings we are very complicated, we are not wired like the light switch on the wall with simply an on and off position. How you learned to receive love in your family of origin is what is guiding your selection process. Remember, you are the common denominator in all of your relationships, so if you want things to change, you must change.
The real beauty is that the changes we are talking about won’t make you a different person, they will actually place you in alignment with your authentic self.
From your question we can guess that the strategy you learned about love (that is now locked in your subconscious) leads you to have to earn love. Maybe you only got praise and acknowledgment when you excelled at school. Maybe physical looks were downplayed and what you DID is what brought Mom and Dad’s smiles and hugs. (There are literally millions of ways this could play out, so please forgive us if we’re not spot on.)
If the need to please someone else wasn’t part of the equation in Your Love Imprint™, you would simply not date men who do not meet your needs, and expect that you make changes to meet theirs. You would not even find these men attractive to date in the first place!
The trouble comes in because of the selection process and the strategies that you learned as a very small child.
You are spot on in saying that you cannot trust yourself. The truth is that you can’t – right now. You can’t trust yourself to find a new kind of man, or to make the right choice for you because in attempting to get love from a man you’ve been twisting into a pretzel (which is exhausting) and abandoning yourself.
As long as you go into sacrifice for love – you will never find lasting love.
Think about it this way, it makes no difference what your higher power is, God, Goddess, Universe, Moses, Jesus, Allah, no higher power will say that you don’t count, and you don’t matter. When you go into sacrifice as an attempt to get love, you are essentially making yourself less than the man you are with. This is the part you have played in dooming those relationships.
The Universe is encouraging you to find your match, and each time you sacrifice your own needs in attempt to make the relationship last, it’s like pushing the “Next!” button until you stop.
What we want you to know is that you are not broken, there is nothing wrong with you, you are worth loving exactly as you are. However, your behavior has not backed that up. Your behavior has split yourself into two parts, and the little girl inside of you is begging for you to connect with her so you feel whole and complete.
Little Susan deserves your love more than any man you will ever meet. The process for you to break this pattern of self-abandonment can be done over time by making different choices, however, we’ll be honest, it’s trial and error and takes a long time.
On our own we move forward like a slightly stretched out slinky toy. We go forward a tiny bit and then back around, to go forward a bit and then back around, and it can really be discouraging.
The Soulmate Shortcut is a great first step. Commit to the exercises in each chapter; begin the process of becoming curious about your feelings and your behavior; and you’ll find that Your Love Imprint™ will transform over time.
If your desire is to clean this up as efficiently and quickly as possible, the way to do that is to work with a coach who has tools to work with the subconscious mind. When you make changes on the subconscious level they occur quickly and are permanent.
Think about learning anything new, like driving a car. It took a lot of focused energy when you first got behind the wheel, and now you just jump in and drive. You can eat a sandwich, carry on a conversation, put on lipstick – your subconscious is driving because it’s happening mostly on autopilot.
Your love life has been on autopilot and we’d love to see you relearn how to select a partner. When Adult Susan and Little Susan are working together in your search, you can truly create love easily with a partner who loves and cherishes you exactly as you are.
If you are interested in exploring how private coaching can quickly break your old patterns, guide you to discovering your authentic self, and help you bring in your Beloved, then sign up for a Your Love Imprint™ Session. We’ll be happy to be your personal guides to love.
Love and Abundance,
About the authors
Orna and Matthew Walters are soulmate coaches and prolific writers about love. Finding love, keeping love, healing from heartbreak, bringing in your beloved and more. They have been published on MSN, Yahoo!, YourTango, Redbook, and have been featured guest experts on BRAVO’s THE MILLIONAIRE MATCHMAKER with Patti Stanger, and as guests with Esther Perel speaking about love and intimacy.