How Do I Love Myself More?

 “Dear Orna and Matthew,

I have been working 7 days a week and have just taken the time to go through over 6000 emails.  I read your Love Notes Weekly for this week and it stopped me in my tracks.

I am 47 and have been married for almost 6 years. (My 3rd marriage) I’m super embarrassed to tell you that my husband and I have not been intimate for almost 7 years. We live as roommates.

How do I “Be more kind with myself and love myself as I desire to receive love”?

Thank you in advance,


Dear Shannon,

Unfortunately, it sounds like you might be on your way to becoming part of a very revealing statistic. According to the Gottman Institute, 48% of first marriages end in divorce and 75% of third marriages end in divorce. 

What this reveals is that we do not get better at being in relationship by changing partners. Having a loving and lasting relationship isn’t about finding a partner who is better, more loving, more available, and/or different from your previous partners.

It is about becoming a woman who loves and values herself! 

You see the truth about love is that we are only available to receive the amount of love from another person that we are willing to give ourselves. We like to say it this way, “The love you seek is inside of you and will be reflected back to you through the eyes of your Beloved.”

Have you ever experienced being with a man who wanted to love you and provide for you what you needed and yet you weren’t available to receive it?

Which leads to your question, “How do I be more kind with myself and love myself as I desire to receive love?”

The first step is to ask yourself if you know how you desire to receive love. Are you aware of the unspoken requests that you have of your partner? Are you aware of how you would KNOW beyond a shadow of a doubt that he loves you? Are you aware of what you really want and need from your partner?

Once you have made this list, check in with each item and rate yourself from 1-10 on your ability to give yourself what it is you want and need. If you want your partner to be more forgiving, are you forgiving of yourself? If you want your partner to listen and acknowledge your feelings, are you able to listen to your inner voice and allow yourself to feel your feelings? If you want your partner to support you, do you have a supportive inner voice or do you have a critical inner voice?

We can’t expect our partners to fill our holes and do for us the things we are unwilling or unable to do for ourselves. It is up to you to fill your cup to overflowing and be of service from your saucer.

It sounds like you are going into sacrifice in your life, working 7 days a week and letting your email pile up. Have you gone into sacrifice in your marriage as well? Are you in your masculine and therefore lost the polarity in your relationship? Are you being intimate with yourself and getting in touch with what you really need?

We have an exercise that we give to all of our clients that will begin the process of learning how to be more kind with yourself and love yourself. It is called the Inner Child Date and you can find all the details on how it works in this article:

Inner Child Date Article

If you are interested in doing the deep dive and really learning how to love and value yourself, we recommend our 7-module home-study program, The Science of Creating Love™.

The Science of Creating Love guides you to discover your past patterns, transform them, and then create a new vision of love. This new vision is no longer tainted by your bad love strategies from the past. You will discover what it truly means to love and accept yourself too.

The Science of Creating Love™ is delivered weekly to your in-box, it is 100% digital (nothing will be shipped), and you can get started right now – even if it’s 3:00am. Order it here:

We are here to be your guides to love.

Love and Abundance,

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About the authors

Love Coaches Orna and Matthew Walters

Orna and Matthew Walters are soulmate coaches and prolific writers about love. Finding love, keeping love, healing from heartbreak, bringing in your beloved and more. They have been published on MSN, Yahoo!, YourTango, Redbook, and have been featured guest experts on BRAVO’s THE MILLIONAIRE MATCHMAKER with Patti Stanger, and as guests with Esther Perel speaking about love and intimacy.

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