Getting over divorce…
This week’s question comes from Didi:
“Dear Orna and Matthew,
I really appreciate the advice you give and hope you can help me. I was married for 25 years when my husband asked for a divorce. He said that the passion had left our marriage and that he had met someone else. He wanted to be with her.
I was devastated. It took me years to get over it and I’ve been dating regularly for the last year and a half. This is my problem, I just can’t stop thinking about my ex-husband. He was my first and only love, my soulmate. When I’m on a date I can’t help but compare how I feel to how I felt when I met my ex. And no man seems to measure up.
I know it doesn’t make sense because he left me and I should hate him for it. I don’t. I still love him. I want to be able to move on, but I can’t. He’s moved on. He’s not coming back to me. But I can’t. What am I to do?
Your advice would help me so much.”
We are so glad you wrote to us and understand how difficult it is to move on when someone you love leaves you. The relationships that we don’t want to end are the hardest to move on from.
Hope is the first thing to enter a relationship and it is the last thing to leave. It is time for you to kill the hope that he will ever come back. Only until you let go of any hope will you allow yourself to move on.
The problem with the idea of a soulmate, or what some people refer to as a twin flame, is that it implies there is only one person who meant for you. And if you only have one soulmate and it doesn’t work out where does that leave you?
It is time to put an end to this idea and realize that love is a choice. We choose love every day. We choose to love our partner even when they are doing the things that annoy us. We choose love even when we are having a disagreement.
It sounds like your ex didn’t choose to love you everyday. Instead he let his unspoken thoughts and feelings put a wall up between the two of you. He let his desire to feel “in love” get in the way of actually loving the woman he was with.
Have you allowed yourself to fully feel the hurt, the grief, and the anger from his decision to end it?
Sometimes in order to move forward in life we first have to feel angry about what isn’t working. Use that anger as fuel to allow yourself to make changes so you can create a life you love.
You deserve to be happy. You deserve to have love. Continuing to nurture the love you have for a man who has moved on will only continue to bring you heartache.
So kill the hope. Allow yourself to get angry, and then you can begin the process of moving on.
When you are ready to finally let him go, you’ll want to look at what has kept you so attached to a man who doesn’t desire to be with you any more. Take some time to explore what you gain by keeping yourself stuck in the past.
We don’t mean this advice to sound harsh. We have the utmost compassion for your situation, and we know that love is waiting for you to move on. Love is waiting for you to be ready to love again.
Sometimes we need help releasing all of the negative emotions attached to a break-up. Our program, The Burn Your Baggage Formula™, is specifically designed to guide you to release the past so that you can create love from a clean slate.
The Burn Your Baggage Formula takes you on a guided journey into your subconscious to heal the wounds from your past. It will help you get unstuck from your past heartbreaks and move forward towards a new love.
You can read more about it here: The Burn Your Baggage Formula
We are here to be your guides to love.
Love and Abundance,
About the authors
Orna and Matthew Walters are soulmate coaches and prolific writers about love. Finding love, keeping love, healing from heartbreak, bringing in your beloved and more. They have been published on MSN, Yahoo!, YourTango, Redbook, and have been featured guest experts on BRAVO’s THE MILLIONAIRE MATCHMAKER with Patti Stanger, and as guests with Esther Perel speaking about love and intimacy.