Does being a perfectionist keep me from love?

08 / 24 / 2018

“Hi Orna and Matthew,

You two are the cutest couple and I wait every Monday to read your newsletter. You have best dating advice for women. So here’s my question…

I’m a pretty A-Type personality kind of woman. I know this about myself. I love my career, my kids are mostly grown and don’t need me as much.

I have no trouble getting dates, that’s not an issue. I get asked out all the time, I know how to flirt; I’ve learned to let the man lead – not something I’m completely comfortable with yet.

The problem for me is that once I’m in a relationship it doesn’t last past 6-8 months. I know I have high standards for myself, and I don’t want to lower them. I believe everyone should have high standards.

It seems that after a few months of being in a relationship I lose respect for the guy I’m dating – like he fell off an imaginary pedestal I didn’t know I had him on. Or the guy scurries off like I told him I had some kind of disease he could catch. I can’t seem to get an answer as to why those men dash off after pursuing me.

Right now dating and relationships feels like a game I don’t know the rules to. Can you help me? I’d love to share my life with someone and have some fun together.

Is there hope for me?”

Hi Danielle,

Thank you for reaching out and we want to let you know that if you desire great love in your life, then you can create it. So yes, of course there is hope for you!

We’ll do our best to explain what we believe is going on, and why you can’t seem to get the kind of lasting-love that you desire.

Most of the women we coach are A-Type personality women. They are go-getters many who have great success on their career path. It sounds like you fit right in.

Often times when we have a high standards for ourselves that translates into expecting a lot from the people in our lives as well. This is where our expectations can derail even the best of relationships.

We think that another way to describe you is as a perfectionist. Being a perfectionist is a strategy we learn in our family of origin in order to get love, approval, or acceptance.

When we carry this strategy into adulthood it can be very difficult to maintain a partnership especially because a man’s desire in relationship is to please his woman. You could say that a man who wants to be in a relationship with you wants to be your hero.

This man wants to know he can win your heart.

If your expectations are that he will do things the way you do them, or that he will do everything perfectly, then you are in for a world of disappointment.

A man needs to know that he measures up for YOU!

If a man feels he can do nothing right for you, that he doesn’t measure up, he will leave you. He has no choice because he must feel needed by the woman he’s in relationship with.

We understand why you wouldn’t want to lower your standards. After all, they are what have brought you all the success you have in your life. Without your standards you wouldn’t be in the shape you are in, you wouldn’t have the career you have, you wouldn’t own the home you own, etc.

We get that your standards for yourself have had a positive benefit in your life. But they’ve also brought a high cost.

Your standards mean that you never feel satisfied with yourself or your life. Your standards prevent you from enjoying your accomplishments. Your standards get in the way of you believing that a man will ever be good enough for you.

Your high standards think you’ll meet someone who will be “perfect” for you every minute of every day.

Unfortunately, you’ll be in relationship with a human being. One who has moods, one who is different from you, one who will have different mental/emotional patterns, different strategies for dealing with stress, one that won’t be a perfect person because there is no such thing.

Ultimately being a perfectionist will block you from experiencing long-lasting love because to share your life with someone you’ll have to be okay just being human, and allowing your partner to be human too.

That means that even with your Beloved you’ll have miscommunication, you’ll disagree, and you’ll even have fights. Those conflicts can open a doorway to a much deeper connection if you have the tools to do so.

If you’re looking for what shifts to make for yourself so you keep your drive to be your best self and also share your life with a partner who loves you and gets you then The Science Of Creating Love™ is for you!

This extensive digital program is packed with subconscious processes so you can release negative emotions from the past, learn to release the need to strive to be Wonder Woman and just be woman, and show you a new way to do love so you can create what you desire.

This 100% digital program is delivered directly to your in-box so you can get started ASAP – even if it’s 2:00am. Get The Science Of Creating Love™ by clicking here so you can bring in the love that you know you are worthy of.

We are here to be your guides to long-lasting love!

Love and Abundance,

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About the authors

Love Coaches Orna and Matthew Walters

Orna and Matthew Walters are soulmate coaches and prolific writers about love. Finding love, keeping love, healing from heartbreak, bringing in your beloved and more. They have been published on MSN, Yahoo!, YourTango, Redbook, and have been featured guest experts on BRAVO’s THE MILLIONAIRE MATCHMAKER with Patti Stanger, and as guests with Esther Perel speaking about love and intimacy.

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